Why I hate you Father!

Hello Thorat Sir, 

How's your time going in hell? Educating there to people on how things should be done? Are you enjoying your time there? Oh, you must be enjoying...and even if you are not then I know what you'd say to me. So I'll assume as usual that you are doing fine. 

We are also doing fine after you left us. Or at least we are pretending it well that we are doing fine. Mom's okay...she has held up herself really strong. She does miss you but she hides it from me. She needs to be strong for her both children. Seeing her in pain scares the shit out of me and Abhijeet. 

It's your birthday today, 2nd March. We could have celebrated it only if you hadn't left us like this. But what's the point you never liked cakes either. It's been more than five months now...five and a half to be precise since you left and a lot had happened. 

You'd be damned but your disappointing son has fulfilled his dream. How do you feel about that? People keep telling me that you'd be feeling so proud of me. Tell me, are you feeling proud of me? 

For years I've been trying to prove you wrong and gain savage satisfaction from it. I proved you wrong but I still didn't get the satisfaction that I was hoping for. It seems I shall always feel empty within. Maybe I never wanted to prove you wrong because you weren't wrong about education. I just wanted to show you that I wasn't wrong either for my literature. 

I'm having a really tough time with this damn PGDM thing. I feel constant suffocation and I have to endure it with a smile on my face. I'm trying so hard to fit in there...to be a fine corporate product by the end of it which would be sold for a decent package.

That's what it does, doesn't it? These colleges and institutions, who take great pride in creating skilled students for the corporate world in the name of creating the future. I am so amazed that how my batchmates are trying so hard to fit into those criteria. Most of them can't even see the trap, they think it's a success. Corporate needs an efficient cog that will run their system optimally that would create the seamless function of the affairs of these big conglomerates and then it will generate profits for those lords, sitting above everyone else on that 1% clubhouse. 

While these students shall remain valuable employees and will be rewarded for their skills and services now and then, to keep them motivated for what they are doing, or more precisely to keep them blind from other things they'll be rewarded monetary benefits. They forget one very important thing that this corporate will replace them within the week once they become obsolete to them. 

I try to become blind like them but I always fail to. All I can see how these institutions are making us docile to the corporate needs. Shaping us according to the norms of these corporate worlds for the reward of livelihood but at the cost of losing our true self. 

I feel like I'm losing my true self. I always feel that but I endure it. I have to endure it because now I have responsibilities on my head. I'm your elder son, aren't I? I must look after the family and I want to but do you know why I hate you? 

I hate you because you left just like that. I had asked you for these two years of PGDM to bear with me and then later on I wanted to walk away from all of you. I was tired of constantly feeling a burden on you people and worse was that I was dying because of a constant disappointment for you. Let's face the bitter truth Thorat Sir, I didn't like you nor did you like me. It was better that we both should have lived separately. 

Now that you've left, I'm stuck with this responsibility and hence I lose my chance of the freedom I was looking for. The freedom of walking away from all of this. This town, these people, from my room, from this home, from this family. 

Now I'm trying to succumb to those training, I won't call it education but training for what we are getting at college, so yeah, I am trying to succumb to it but my spirit fights back so hard and I keep failing. 

Back in July/August 2020, you had gone outside with your usual paperwork and I and mother were alone at home. A man in shabby clothes was on our door and seemed timid as he saw me coming to the door. He put up both palms together and said Namaste to me. I felt it so uncomfortable as the man was elder than me and then he spoke in his hesitant voice that he was looking for Thorat Sir. I asked him what is it about and then he said that it was regarding the admission of his daughter. Your connections with people and schools had always brought benefits for such people. I had said him that you are not at home and gave him, your phone number. He was so relieved and seemed that he was in dire need of your help. Looking at that man gave me unusual satisfaction. He seemed happy and hopeful that his daughter will get the admission he was hoping for. Later mom told me that that man was a vegetable vendor and you often bought vegetables from him. It hit me hard and I was speechless for a moment. I felt frustrated and I walked to mother and I said to her frustratingly, "That Thorat Sir, I hate him." 

"What happened now?" asked mother. 

"He doesn't even let me hate him peacefully," I said frustratingly while walking away from her.  

I always talked about my such struggles to Shikha Ma'am and she's surprised and admires me at the same time for having such views. Isn't it ironic that she's my favorite teacher here in ISBS, me who has zero interest in becoming a corporate rat, while she was the topper of the college at her time? She keeps checking up on me every two to three days...sometimes every day...making sure if I am doing okay. 

She looked after me when you were gone. She was there, while I wanted to give up on everything, she didn't let me nor did Aastha. Aastha's my best friend here in ISBS. She was there, you know when I had lost you. She was a true friend checking up on me at least 4 times a day to make sure how am I holding on to this loss. I tried to push her away....she didn't go, rather rebuked me many times. She does care for me, genuinely. I'm not saying that....Shikha Ma'am says that to me. I was going to walk away from Aastha too, I don't trust friendships but Shikha ma'am rebuked me. Obviously, she doesn't want me to lead a life with a skeptical mindset so I listened to my teacher, despite my disagreement. 

I could survive all these months mainly because of these two and also because of my home in ISBS, my A section. They were there for me, making sure I am doing okay. They have been so supportive at that time and even now. Me publishing my debut book makes them proud of me and I feel so happy that I could do something for them. I always try to be there for them too as they are there for me. But these days I am living distant from them too. 

I am a horrible person. I know it makes them wonder why Piyush is distancing himself and then it gives birth to many speculations or assumptions. The thing is I am not okay. And I need to be alone to be okay. I have left the what's app group of A section but that doesn't mean I have left the A section. It's more than that. Shrishti, my A section classmate and a very good friend to me, texted me inquiring about such strange behavior. You know what Thorat Sir, this is the thing about this class, they all keep holding each other together and don't let leave. Unity is what my section is known for. Shikha ma'am often teased us like the "Hum Saath Saath Hai" type section. 

I don't tell them my actual sufferings and nor will I. I think it's in blood. I had met your oldest friend, Thakare Kaka, he was complaining that you never spoke to him about your issues. People were calling him after your demise and questioning him ferociously that how could he not anything when you both were really good friends. 

Some friends think that I am a boy with a vague personality, some think that I have many secrets, Shikha ma'am read it aptly that I have a layered personality. There is a layer under a layer, revealing one thing after another. Very few can penetrate the first two layers. 

You always hated how I never got mixed with people. You very very extroverted and you had an introverted son. We both were never the same and yet acted similarly at many times. I must admit that the world is actually a bitch. It's fucking cruel and cold. It has no regard for you. No fucks given. 

You have been so hard on me. You gave me a rough time, trying to make me tough so that I can endure this world. You didn't let the world hurt me but you did it yourself. Why? Were you scared that the world would have been harsher than you on me? Was it your way to love me? 

I had taken admission in Aided, thinking that you'd be there so it would be helpful. I was gravely wrong and I was 9 at that time. And since then it all started, the fights between obnoxious father and eccentric son. You remember that how I was failing so bad in that Semi-English medium because I could not fathom anything in the English language. It was the start for you to feel disappointed in me. I could not pass but I could read books, storybooks in Marathi. I had read many books that year and I was going ahead of the one who had read the most books that year in the Aided, but you didn't let that happen. There used to be a price by the end of the year to the student who read the most books in the library. I could have had it but you didn't let it happen, worried it might arise questions on your integrity.

People assume I have an intense interest in books because my father was a librarian. They don't know that you were the exact person who wanted me to not read those books but only academics. "These books shall take you nowhere," you kept saying that to me every time you found me reading some storybook.

When you didn't let me have the price that year I took a vow that I shall never enter the library and read books there...I still follow that vow after 19 years. 

After the mental torturing years at Aided, I was finally happy that my life would be better now; I was gravely wrong. I met horrendous years after Aided. I kept failing in academics and it kept consolidating the fact that I am an embarrassment for you. That shit still stings me sharply. "You are no son of mine." you said in your intimidating loud voice. I was so scared of you and I still am. 

I showed you my rude behavior instead of admitting that I feel horrible that I am a disappointment to you. It was so heavy to feel a burden to the family and shame to you. I always felt like an outcast. I went to sleep empty stomach many times, almost all the time after our fights. I thought I was hurting myself but I was hurting mom with such actions. 

She still makes good food for me with all her heart. I don't go to sleep empty stomach anymore. Juno had broken that habit of mine. Yes, she was not just a friend to me. We both loved each other and I know you knew it somewhere. I lost her in betrayal. Still trying to recover from that wound too and you gave me worse than that with your demise. That's another reason why I hate you. 

Do you remember when my friend had lost his father in an accident and on that day you weren't at home and traveling back home? Me and that friend had never got along but when he suffered this tragedy I was the first friend he had called to share his loss. I had gone to see him promptly and as soon as she had seen me there he had hugged me so tightly. I could feel the burden of his loss. When I saw his mother crying it had terrified me to the core of my soul. 

I returned home in silence and I kept checking up on your location and when will you return home. I was just making sure that you have not met any accident and you are alive. And when I finally saw you at home I hugged you tightly. I was relieved that you are back home. You and I both never hugged nor do we like hugs but that's the only time I remember that I ever hugged you. 

My friend's father had died in an accident and his father was drunk at that time. I have known how his father's drinking habit had affected my friend's childhood and teenage life. Many times he wanted to leave home... I know how you always taught me to not drink and shared your strong values against drinking. Your both son don't drink nor smoke nor chew tobacco... as a father are you happy with your both sons for that much at least? 

But I want to confess one thing. I had consumed liquor once, back in 2019 when I was going through heartbreak. I didn't consume it like generally, any heartbroken boy does these days... I was wounded most that Juno had started to consume it despite the promise she had made to me and to you all. So with Hrishi, I tried to taste it...how it feels like...why people are mad about it...I am sorry that I failed you there...that half glass of wine had made me lose all my sense and self-control. I was in Pune on FC road, Manish was also with us and when I got out of that Bar and walking on a footpath I called Abhijeet. I was so much in pain and I was feeling I am losing my brothers because I and Prateek weren't talking, I was disappointed in Naval too and I was feeling so guilty and I said to Abhijeet that I love him most. I was scared that I shall lose him someday. It hurts me that he doesn't show much love to me but despite that I love him. 

He felt it so weird and asked me to give the phone to Hrishi and he questions him that what's wrong with me. Hrishi handled the conversation while I was telling Manish that he's also my brother and I love him so much. He's my darling. Then Hrishi got mad at me and said that he made the mistake to allow me to have it when I was sad inside. Then I said to him that I love him too and he's brother to me. He laughed. His mood was changed back to normal. Shikha Ma'am loves my bonding with Hrishi. She reads my second book every time I write a new chapter. There she could see the bonding between me and Hrishi. 

But after that, I never touched liquor and I promise you that I never will, no matter how painful life becomes. You know this made me write a wonderful quote for my book, "You, my friend when in pain pick up a glass of wine, while I pick up a book. We are not the same."  I had used it once on my friend Soumya while we were having chat on what's app. It had hit him hard and he was really impressed and had asked that I must write it in my book. 

I know I'm in a place where most of the people around me drink as a part of their lifestyle and I am fine with it. But I do advise my closest to give up drinking. 

Men drinking, coming home, beating their wives and children to show their authority. I have seen such stories many times in my childhood in news channels or movies even in storybooks. It had built up my mindset that I shall never become one of those men. MEN, they call themselves, so proudly, who can't even deal with their pain without numbing it with liquor and become abusive behind the closed door of homes while act decent in society. 

I had told my views and reasons behind my strict behavior against drinking to Shikha ma'am when I was wounded, once again after seeing the person doing the exact thing which she had told me she doesn't. Seems like I was lied to once again in life. Ma'am rebuked me for paying attention to such worthless people and ignoring the one that actually cares, such as Aastha and my A section.

You know when I had gone to Amravati in 2015 after I had to leave my college of Khamgaon. The fight I had at college and I was such a nuisance for you. I remained quiet there in Amravati and kept myself busy with books. Bought books from Amazon and Flipkart. Today, after 6 years your son has his book available on Amazon. How do you feel about that? I hate you because I wanted to mock you and see your expressions and I don't get to see that now. 

You traveled despite my strict prohibition and got yourself this obnoxious virus. We lost you because of that and it had also infected me and Abhijeet. Fortunately, Mom wasn't infected. Abhijeet had to take you to the hospital while I was sick at home, he spent all day and went through hell for admitting you to the hospital. He had no idea what to do but yet he kept taking you here and there. He looked after all the activities for admitting you in hosital and within two days he had to endure the news of your demise. He fucking hid it from me and mom. He kept his mouth shut the whole night, knowing that his father is no more. How would have spent that night upstairs in his room? TELL ME! 

He went through hell but kept quiet and it boils me to the core of my heart and I hate you father that you put him in such situations. Only if you had listened to me once and hadn't traveled then we all would have been together. Still fighting but at least together. 

My condition got serious in the last week of September due to covid and Abhijeet was terrified to his soul looking at me in that condition. Hrishi was getting so furious at me and wanted to come and slap me to show some improvements but he couldn't. He must stay away. He stood on the road right before our home and called me and rebuked me bad that I better get well soon. Shantanu was also worried. They both kept providing supplements at those times. 

When I was burning in that temperature at such times Pam had come to save me. She nursed me, despite knowing that I had covid. She is a single mother with three children behind her and yet she went to that level because her fourth son was... 

When I got recovered and called her and said her that she must not act like this ever again and she must think that she doesn't have three but four children. Do you know what she said to me? Abhijeet too and Hrishi too. Damn, that hit me hard. You know Thorat Sir when I heard the news of your demise I died inside instantly. I did not even cry a single tear. Kavita Maushi literally begged me to cry and unburden the weight but I didn't...I couldn't....but when I saw Pam coming to me...crying....she hugged me and said, "I didn't even have the courage to face you." I cried there in her arms. 

Hrishi knew it too that we had lost you at night and that night I was talking with him that I am not having a good feeling about me. He kept saying to me that you are okay. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to pretend that time with me. The next day, in the morning, when I was crying hugging Pam...I saw him...and asked him. "Did you know already?" He looked down with a heavy heart. I had received my answer. 

Shikha ma'am says that I have these people in my life, Abhijeet, Hrishi, Pam, Shantanu, Ladoo, and Aastha...I should learn to be happy for them. I am happy that I have them in my life but sometimes I really can't hide the fact that I am dying inside. I hurt them too sometimes. 

Abhijeet sees me working tirelessly every day and sometimes when I talk to him about college and tell him that this girl texted me or that girl texted me...both he and Hrishi asks me if I like someone there in college...then I reply to them that I can't indulge myself in such things, I have responsibilities. My dear brother gives me really worse expressions and says to me that, "Learn to live these moments in dire situations. That's called living life. You don't worry about the responsibilities...you just focus on your academics...your younger brother is here....he'd take care of everything." 

You see that's why I hate you for putting me into such a thing. I am the elder one...I should be the one taking care of him and mother but I am not capable right now...it puts me into great shame and it coerces me into focusing on my PGDM and I hate myself when I fail to meet my academic duties...I hate myself when I fail to perform well in the classroom. I hate myself when I don't fathom any concept. Because it scares me that if I don't perform well here right now then I shall not get a job and consequently I will never be capable to take care of them...I shall always be a loser. 

Then Thorat Sir, I'd be a disappointment in my own eyes and that would be heavier than everything that I experienced with you in past. 

I had taken a vow that I shall not come before Thakur sir until I complete my formal education....five years and I'm still following that...but I have also made a promise back in December 2020 to Shikha mam that I'd be a student from semester two...I will start participating in classes...I'd start studying too. And I intend to keep that promise...despite questions that may arise over my introversion...I'd keep quiet. 

So Thorat sir, I had a fucking rough day today...and I wrote it to deal with the shit I was holding inside me for months. "Jab bhi dukhi rahte ho to pura frustration writing me nikal dete ho, full creativity ke liye use karte ho taklif ko." said Shikha maam to me in January this year. So yeah...hopefully...I'd be able to use this sorrow and performing well in my academics too. 

From tomorrow I'd start again to learn to succumb to this training....hopefully one day I'd tamed. 

Till then....have fun in hell....see you soon there.