When Shikha Ma'am Meets Her Favorite Character

Finally!!!
Shikha Mam meets her favorite character, Harry (Hrishi), from Tender Intimacies.

The friendship between Peter and Harry was one of the most favorite parts of the story for Mam. She was so thrilled to understand when I had told her that Harry was actually inspired by my best friend Hrishi. As the first reader of the story and the critic, she explored the brotherhood of Harry and Peter. Harry's character always fascinated her. In no time she liked this character and ended up becoming her most favorite by the end of the book. 

Meantime I always kept Hrishi into the vagueness of what I am actually writing for Harry. Just to give him hard time I always told him that, "Hrishi, your character is so worst that people would despise it so much. They would pray that one shouldn't get such a worst best friend." And his expressions were worth watching for me. I kept telling him this because I didn't want to unfold the surprise to him. 

And today Shikha mam unveiled it to him that his character is best in the story and people would love it. It is her own most favorite character. And I was there in that cabin watching her talking to my brother, not by blood but by bond, Hrishi, taking all those compliments. 

HIS FACE WAS WORTH WATCHING. 

I had come to college in the morning for documents-related work then I had met Shikha mam, there I had casually mentioned that Hrishi is also here. That had her all attention at me. Seeing her expression I fathomed that desire in her to see her favorite character of the story then I suggested it myself that I would bring him along in the evening. And I did. 

"Hrishi!" there was a great jubilance in her voice as she saw him entering her cabin. "Finally seeing you for the real. It is so nice to meet you."

And then this idiot did something that really touched my heart. "Hello, Shikha Mam." he greeted her and went to her and touched her feet and took her blessings. She felt so overwhelmed and I felt it so great. I quickly took out my mobile phone and clicked his picture with her.  

Then mam was engaged in the conversation with him, telling him how she always liked the nature of that Harry character and also suggested him to keep rebuking me for my stupid actions in life, as Harry does to Peter in the book. She wished him the best and he was just happy to finally meet the person who made his best friend the person he is today. 

Shikha mam is greatly loved by the people close to her author student. His stupid friend Aastha is no exception either. She loves Aastha's character Hope too, and loved the ending of the book most. She wished to meet Aastha too, but due to the busy schedule it couldn't happen but hopefully, soon it would. 

Then Hrishi and I had to leave as he had a bus to catch. He was going back to our hometown. He is on the bus right now as I am writing this blog. It was a nice and quick meet which all of us loved a lot. Hopefully, someday all those people who inspired these beautiful characters shall meet the first reader of this story.

But before that, I am going to meet the person who inspired the main character of the book. Someone who was the first person to say me that I should try becoming a writer. 

Veronica! 

Yup, she's here in Pune, and will meet her soon. 

Preceptors Who Shaped My Dream of Writing

A preceptor is like a compass that shows its protege the right direction which would lead him/her to the eventual place where that protege can live his/her dream life. In my journey of becoming a writer, I had four preceptors:

Mohite Madam (Teaching Span: 1997 - 1998)
My kindergarten class teacher and my favorite teacher too. I got along well with her and who was one of a kind teacher for the coming 17 years of my life. She has always been nice to me and was familiar to my father too. Many times, she would inquire about me to father if they ever came across in the Sunday the market of Buldhana. 

A few years back I investigated my academic records. A curiosity had consumed me to see what I have done in this area, so I checked out my old academic records. After seeing the embarrassing academic performance my eyes fixed on one particular report card. The one from my kindergarten years and there Mohite Madam had written about my proclivity towards telling stories and writing them. 

That only record brought a smile to my dull face. She had seen those potentials in me at an early age in my life. I was 4 then. I remember how once I had told a complete story before the whole class and had received praise for it. That I believe is one of the best parts of my academic life and solely because of Mohite Madam. 

"Should one be amazed to understand about Piyush's proclivity towards storybooks? After all his father is a librarian."  - Mohite Madam. 

 

Rafiq Sir: (Teaching Span: 2013 - 2015)
It was 2013 when I was filling up the admission form in G. S. College, Khamgaon for my graduation in B.Com. As I had reached the admission window after a long one-hour wait in that queue, I then saw, behind that iron grill, a man in his early thirties. He was accepting forms and filling up the details on the college computer. 

As he saw my form, he chuckled lightly and said to me, while still looking at the computer screen. "I'll see you in Account's and Economics’ class, Mr. Thorat.'

That felt weird but I didn't answer much. I just wanted to be done with this admission process and get back to my home. After nearly a month the college started, and I saw that same person coming into my class with Economics’ book. As he looked at me and noticed my presence in the class he greeted me, "Hello, Mr. Thorat. Nice to see you here." That was Rafiq Sir. 

A two years’ time passed with very memorable events but what really connected Rafiq sir with me was the time when I had written a letter to both of my favorite teachers in G. S. College after I had left the college suddenly in my second year. He read that letter and came to understand my struggles as a student and as a person. He instantly empathized with them and accessed that college data in which my contact information was also there. He got my father's mobile number and called him. 

The conversation with my father was different. He had come to understand my issues with my father. But he didn't go deep into it and remained formal with my father and extracted my number and called me instantly. I was with my best friend Juno at that time and was trying to study. I was so amazed to get a call from him and he had asked me to pay a visit to him once in college. 

After I put the phone down, I was totally shocked. I felt so great that Rafiq sir called me, and I couldn't believe this. And I kept telling Juno, "Rafiq sir called ME. Rafiq sir called ME." and she was so happy to see my overwhelmed heart. "Piyush, how happy you are to get a call from him." she said with utter exuberance. 

And yes, I was. It was January 2016 and I had returned to G. S. College. There, my return had surprised my old classmates of graduation. I was waiting for Rafiq sir to finish his lecture, once he came out of the class, he called me with his usual joyful style. "Hello, Mr. Thorat. You have been gone for a long time." Then he had asked me to walk with him to the teacher's room. While we were walking together and conversing, the whole college was staring at us. My old classmates just stood in awe. 

When most of our talk was over Rafiq sir told me few things, "You were always there right before my eyes, and I always felt that something is wrong with you. You can't seem to adjust here. After reading your letter, which Thakur sir shared with me, I came to know about your passion for literature. As a teacher, I feel like a failure, Mr. Thorat. I should have understood your issues, but I couldn’t, and it wounds me."

I was so speechless at that moment. In all these last 17 years I just received rebukes from my teachers, but this was the first time I saw that a teacher was blaming himself for not being able to help me. I was touched by his concern. "Don't give up Mr. Thorat. Keep trying. I understand that you don't enjoy formal education because you like something else. But still, education is important, and you must finish it to a certain point. Take your time, it's okay if you need a little more time than others. Just keep on going, I am always with you. You are not alone." 

Well, he lied. He only stayed with me for the next two years. On January 14, 2018, I lost him due to a heart attack. He was in his mid-thirties. 

 

Thakur Sir: (Teaching Span: 2013 - 2015)
[Mr. Anderson to my Charlie - The Perks of Being a Wallflower]
Well, many had heard of Thakur sir's name in my talks, even in my current PGDM college. He was my English Professor at G. S. College and I got along with him really well. I have written about few events of G. S. in the last year's teacher's day blog; which I had particularly dedicated to him and Rafiq sir. 

Thakur sir has an immeasurable love for books. He reads so many books and has a collection far beyond that. And one day he saw me reading a novel on the college campus and that had caught me in his eyes, apart from my quiet nature in his class. 

Soon I had a really great Student-Teacher relationship with him and he ended becoming one of my favorites. He was the first teacher whom I had admitted about my passion for literature, revealing my troubles in adjusting in college and in my own life. Then he showed that letter to Rafiq Sir. 

After Rafiq sir said those words, we both saw that Thakur Sir was returning to the teacher's room too after his lecture was over. And as soon as he saw me with Rafiq Sir he uttered my name in surprise with a bit of command mix in it. 

"PIYUSH? I need to talk with you." those were his words, which, I felt quite intimidating at that time.

"May God save you from his wrath, Mr. Thorat." Rafiq sir had mocked me at that time.  

But there, when I and Thakur sir were speaking. I broke down before him. I told him that I am scared to pursue my passion because I am afraid that I would fail even in that. So in order to avoid that shame, I was avoiding my passion too and yet was suffocating without it. 

"Be bad at what you truly are Piyush, than being good at something that you are not. Be a bad writer if you are afraid of that but be more afraid of not being the person you dream about and remain common like most. You feel inferior to whom? These idiots in class, who are just trying to run faster than each other? You are better than that, then why do you think so low of yourself."

"Because I am scared. To do something beyond norms is unimaginable. Especially when my father is very strict about academics."

"I understand such circumstances. Someday I would like to meet your father. There is something I want to speak to him. But till then I do hope you would get some good people who would help you to grow."

Little did I believe in his last sentence that I shall get any people in the future who would help me to grow but I just nodded obediently. 

He had once met my father and had said one thing. 

"Set your son free. Don't confine his wings to your own expectations. He has tremendous potentials in him to fly high, that you are not aware of. He would do something in the future that would make you proud in this world." 

Now everyone tells me that my father would have been so proud to see his son becoming a novelist. But how could this dream come to fruition and who was that one good person I met in my future which is now my present? 

 

Shikha Ma'am: (Teaching Span: 2020 - 2022)
[Code Name - The Philosopher]
July 15, 2020, was the first day of the Induction Program of Indira School of Business Studies, PGDM, and there I saw a faculty who seemed so affable and instantly distinctive from others. Her name was Prof. Shikha Sindhu and after nearly two weeks she had some sessions with us and there I came to know about her love for books. 

Congeniality often unites people, and this case wasn't different either. Our mutual love for books is what had connected us in the first place, and we often talked about books and she had suggested me few to read. I bought 'em and read 'em. 

But soon our classes began, the funny thing was that it was all going online, something that was perfectly suitable for me. Most didn't like this method and hated this pandemic for the same, but even so, it didn't affect my time. 

Ma'am had seen and observed me as I was her student in the first semester. She has a knack for connecting with her students and get the best out of them. I was one of those fortunate students. Soon she came to know about my passion for writing and was thrilled when she read the story I had written. 

"Why is it not a book?" those were the first words she uttered as she called me after reading the last chapter. I was glad to see her reaction. It only told me that she liked what I had written but honestly speaking, I didn't take it seriously at that time. 

Publish this story? Is it even good enough? Would people even like it? What if people would laugh at me? Ma'am is always nice, is she being nice to me and trying not to make me feel bad about what I have written? Perhaps she just wants to encourage me but that makes me question the possibility of whether people would actually like it.  

All these questions haunted me at that time, until then the situation demanded me to publish my work. Ma'am was so happy to see me going in the direction of my dream. The compliment she had paid me after reading my story was actually genuine. And someone like me who hadn't received any compliments in years had difficulty in believing that I was actually worthy of one. 

Then I found a publishing house and, in that process, Shikha ma'am was so supportive. She kept encouraging me with every step that I was taking. Her encouraging words filled up courage in me to walk towards my dream, to dare to dream something out of norms. 

Things were going fine and, in that process, the publisher had suggested that I can expand my story. It was mid of November 2020. Two months had been passed since the demise of my father. I had started to write two new chapters for my book but was caught with the college schedule with most of my time. But then on 28th November, the college had conducted 'Personal Interviews' as a part of our curriculum. 

That interview went so catastrophic for me. The interviewer had asked me about my family background and what else did I like in life, and I talked about my passion for writing. Well, that didn't go well. With my extreme proclivity towards literature, I was trying to manage college activities, on the other hand, that wasn't acceptable for the interviewer. 

"Drop that notion of writing. Have you forgotten the situation at your home? You must earn a livelihood to support your family. Your father's demise has brought a huge responsibility on your shoulder. You are not even any bestseller author nor are you earning millions of dollars out of it. First focus on your academics then entertain such fantasies." 

Those words hurt me a lot. It made me feel guilty. I don't think he was wrong for suggesting me to focus on my academics. But it had put me on the guilt trip. I told Shikha ma'am about what happened in the interview. She felt bad too and then I asked her one question that was haunting me after that interview. 

"Why academics is always more important than any other thing in life? Why do other things need to be sacrificed for it and not the other way around?" I was so vulnerable when I asked her that. 

"I shall never ask you to do so. But Piyush it is also true that academics is important. It does give us livelihood and purpose in life." said Ma'am. 

Those words embedded in me like sharp shards of broken glass. Even ma'am thinks academic is above everything else? But all this time she had kept encouraging me to go on with my passion. 

Something has come up that had required ma'am's urgent and absolute attention and the conversation dropped there. 

I felt so guilty for the steps that I was taking to make my dream a reality. I should have gone towards academics, but I was walking towards literature. That afternoon I looked at my brother and mother and it reminded me of the responsibility I had, and I soon walked back to my room upstairs and cried all afternoon. 

My head was getting so heavy with stress and ached so badly that I had started to feel it would explode with all those stressful thoughts in my head. I endured it till evening for 4 hours. Then after having enough of these guilty thoughts, I got angry. 

I turned on my laptop and sat to finish the remaining part of my book. That evening I kept writing while my head was aching so badly, while I felt so fatigued, I kept writing and stopped not till 11:30 at night. And after that, I just texted Shikha Ma'am on What's App that the final manuscript of my book is ready. 

"Woah! You literally finished it off."

"I won't give up on my dreams. Not for anyone or any reason." 

"Hmm. Had your dinner? I think not. Have it and take a rest now. We would talk tomorrow." those were her texts.

And next afternoon I had a call from her. 

"What was that?" ma'am asked. "Did you really feel that bad yesterday? Many interviews will come and go Piyush. Don't feel down. Keep trying and you would do just fine in time."

"I didn't feel bad because of the interview...I felt bad because even you said academics is more important. It put me into the guilt trip of my responsibilities, and I felt like once again I would have to leave my dream after coming this close to it." I had tears in my eyes. "My courage to go on with my dream came out of your support to it. And...' the words stuck in my chest. 

She instantly understood what I was going through. "Piyush meri baat dhyan se suno. I would never say that only academics is important, I had said it is also important and I want you to do what makes you happy. But yes, as a teacher I would encourage my students for their studies. But most importantly I want my students to be happy in life. I never force them to become what is expected of them but rather what they truly want to be and what they truly are. So, life me khush raha karo, aur aisi baato ka tension mat liya karo. Happiness is a choice, not a result."

I felt so silly how I had misunderstood her words. "I'm sorry. I was scared. I thought I am doing something wrong when I am chasing my dream."

"Kuch galat nahi kar rahe ho."

"Then why does it feel like it is wrong."

"Because that's how everyone expects things to run, Piyush. In our society academics ko he jyada importance diya jata hai. Most of the time people have to give up their passions for their academic duties."

"And I won't give up on my dream," I spoke it determinedly. "I gave up on my dream many times, not anymore. No matter what amount of resistance I experience. I would hold on to my passion now."

"Now that's the spirit." 

"This student of yours promises you that he would not let some interviewer judge his life."

"Bravo." she seemed happy to see my such attitude. 

"Now I won't just publish one book, I would publish two books while being in Indira." 

"But abhi tak to pahili bhi release nahi hui." wondered ma'am. 

"Yes," I spoke determinedly. "And I am telling you even before that that there would be a second book too. And I won't complete my second book on the cost of my academics. Soon the semester would be over and from next semester I would try to participate in class. Would try to interact with the faculty. It could amaze my classmates and might even question my introversion, and I am not saying that my interaction would be that much like those few active students in the class; surely it wouldn't be an easy task for me to adapt to that change but will keep pushing myself."

"I am so happy to see this change, Piyush." admitted Ma'am. 

"And I shall be able to pull off that change because I would be getting help from an amazing teacher. But most importantly I would come up with a second book too."

Ma'am laughed a little. "You are very stubborn, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Well, then go. Go towards your dreams and stop not till they are achieved."  

After that day I started to work on my second book too along with my academics. It was Shikha ma'am who had announced that in her last lecture that my first book would be coming out soon. And also, she was the one who had made the official release of the cover page of the first book. 

In February the book was launched and soon became popular in my college, ISBS, where many people loved and connected with the story. Listening to their reviews now I truly believe that it should have been a book and now it is one. And all thanks to this amazing teacher who kept pushing me to achieve my dreams. Because of her teaching about life I call her with a different name: "The Philosopher." 

And now guess what? The second book is releasing soon and any guesses who was the first reader of that story? 😄 I don't have to explain that...you have figured that out already. 

 

So, these are the four preceptors who helped me in their own style to reach my dreams. Now my dream is not just a dream but a reality. And I could achieve all these things because I had great teachers. 

 

Happy Teacher's Day to all of you. No amount of gratitude would be enough for what you all have done for me. Thank you. It is a pleasure to be your student. 

 

P.S.: Dear Thorat Sir, you have also been a teacher to me. You taught me many things in life that shaped me into the person that I am today and still striving to be better. I just want you to know that your disappointing son did it and his teachers helped him to do it. Your friends say to me that today if you had been here with us, you would have been so proud of me. 19 years I was a disappointment for you and when I finally have something to make you proud of me, you aren't there. Can't believe that it would be a year on the 14th of September since we have lost you. Find your peace Thorat sir, because when we both meet in hell, I am gonna be a real pain in your ass. Till then I'd keep achieving my dreams. 😉

 

Hold On To Your Passion!

I suddenly hugged my mom and asked her, "Do you feel proud that your son is now a writer?" I asked her because I was missing my father. This was the question I always wanted to ask him after I become a writer.

She felt good that I hugged her, I don't usually hug. And she said, "Oh my dear son, I'm just so proud that you didn't give up your passion. You held on to it." 

That felt good. That felt good because I know what it meant. She saw how I always had resistance at the home from my father to my writing. I left the hug and was walking back to my room to continue the new animated movie 'Soul' and then she spoke again. 

"I've asked Mayuri (my cousin who drew sketches to my book) to hold on to her own passion even after she gets the job." I saw something in her eyes while she spoke that. 

And I replied back, "You feel regret, don't you, for leaving your passion?" 

She just gave me a smile and went to the kitchen where she has always kept herself busy in her marriage. And even after my father's demise, she's still performing her duties. 

I guess that's what happens mostly to our parents. I believe my father also must have had some passion but lost them in performing his duties. My mother had a passion for sketching and painting. She was really good at it. But she was lucky enough to maintain another passion that had, luckily, aligned with her duties: Cooking. She's a great cook and anyone in the family does not even bother to compete with her, she's that good. 

It only makes me feel so happy that I didn't give up when things were so difficult. It's only when you are getting so close to achieving your goal that's when exactly things get so worse. I am lucky that I have some people who supported me in those difficult times. Abhijeet, Hrishi, Aastha, Shikha Ma'am, and my favorite Pam. 

I often see many friends in my college and they talk to me about their passion and I feel so great to know their stories and their reasons that why they stopped pursuing their passions. 

I truly want all of them to fulfill their passions and I keep making small efforts to persuade them to follow their passions again. 

I know someone there who has been lost in her duties but I'm hopeful that someday that person will get back to her passion. That would be so beautiful.

And I hope I can do enough in life that I can create that option for my mum to go back to her passion for remaining part of her life. 

Passion keeps us alive, it keeps us going. And I truly want you people to live your life by doing what you are really passionate about. Yes, there is resistance. There would be issues but you can get it if you hold on to it, no matter how hard things get.

Remember no matter what your passion is, you'd find this writer friend of yours cheering up for you. 🙂

Why You Should Read Books

Most of you wouldn't be reading books. I know that because I get to hear that from many to whom I ask my basic question to communicate with anyone, "Do you read books?" If the answer is Yes then it helps me convey the conversation and I can communicate better than I can normally do with even the most familiar people in life. 

But I don't really have to ask that question to know that majority of the people don't read books these days. You must be thinking that we aren't living in the 19th or 20th century anymore when the source of entertainment was to read those stupid insipid novels. We now live in a technological world where even our existence is grasped by it. 

If I ask someone to read some book, their most basic thought in the head would be, "If today I want to know what's written in some book then I'd rather watch a 2-3 hours movie based upon it or a documentary. Who would take so much effort reading all those books, aren't we already occupied with academic books? or some might say that "Tumhare bhai sab janta hai...ye kitabo ko padhne ki jarrorat nahi use. Jindagi ne bohot kuch sikhaya hai." 

I know it because I have experienced such replies in real. And to be honest I really feel so bad, not for how they responded to me and made me feel stupid. But because of how misleading their lives are and they could bring a lot of meaning to their existence or their way of living life or even doing the things, whatever they might be. But they all won't and it's probably they don't want to replace those preconceived thoughts in their head which are embedded so strong. 

Take a moment and look back in your life. How many things are there in your life which you once firmly believed in but now you don't. Your beliefs are changed, aren't they? And now you have new beliefs which you think are the right ones and yet making the mistake of being firm on them. And then leading your life like that. 

Remember that thing that we learned today in the CDP session about limiting beliefs? Well, it is just the same thing. Once you failed in life and then you believe that you are a failure and you can't achieve anything. Trust me I was no different. But then I met my hero in a book, who lived nearly 150+ years ago in Kentucky, United States. I was so dejected in life because of my constant failures in academics, I could not understand English and I was a Marathi medium average boy. So the transition was so difficult, I was joked at and humiliated many times for my failures. And my response was just the same as any other teenager. 

I had locked myself away from everyone, even to the closest one. I spent years in reclusive tendencies. But nothing changed, just the time was passed. Until I picked up a book again that I had read years ago. There I read the story of a failed person, he had lost his job, then faced the failed business, then his dearest one, the love of his life died, he suffered a breakdown, his nomination in Congress was rejected twice, was defeated for US Senate, next he lost Vice-President nomination, again was defeated in Senate. He kept failing over and over until he won just once. 

He was elected as the president and the way he performed his role he ended up becoming the greatest President of the oldest democracy in the world could have. Some of you must have guessed his name, for those who didn't, that Hero's name was Abraham Lincoln. 

After reading his struggles I ended up ruminating that my life is not even that difficult and why am I whining about it this much? People laughed at him too but he didn't give up, people asked him to leave the things he was trying to achieve seeing his constant failures, but he didn't and he proved wrong to everyone. And today after more than one and a half-century he is still alive in the hearts of people. Then can I not even ignore those who are making me feel bad about my mistakes and failures, and stand again and work on my dreams? 

So the next day I woke up with full exuberance in me. I was so motivated and I tried to do things in that flow. That flow lasted for few days and I was back to my old behavior. There I failed again. I tried to feel motivated but I couldn't and I wondered why. I had no answer to that, I tried to read his story again but it didn't have a lasting influence on me. Something was missing. 

After a long time, I came across a quote by Zig Ziglar, "People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."

I needed the new thoughts in my head to change my bad habit but I didn't know how can I do it. So after enough time wasted I retreated to my childhood habit of reading a book after the 8 long years of the gap from books. In the beginning, it was difficult to set my mind to reading. My head was feeling heavy. I was feeling sleepy. I could not fathom what I read. I didn't even remember what I read. I still face those issues sometimes even today. 

I had thought of giving up on the reading, I could see no result. And I had given up again. I was so eager and impatient that I wanted to see the results so fast. But that's now how it works. Those struggles which I faced were exactly what I needed. Our mind is such a cunning thing, it would make you feel all these exhausting things so that you would avoid doing them and succumb to your comfort zones. 

Change is painful so is growth. And all I was feeling it because something had started to change in me but I couldn't understand it then. But those unread books haunted me and I tried again. There I came to understand that our mind always resists the good changes in us at the first and it generally takes 3 weeks period to get used to the new habit. 

When I kept reading new books what really changed is my perspective of things and consequently my reactions towards them. Which also shaped my habits and after everything else...I could finally see that result in my life that I was so eager to see. 

I wanted to do many things in life but I did not know how to do them. What could be the better way to know how to do things than books! 

I believe all of you also want to do a lot many things in life, don't you? Some of you want to know how to make friends, or someone wants to know how to move on from their past, some would be suffering from heartbreak, someone might be wondering how he/she would earn money to support their families. Someone would want to know the reason for their existence. Someone would want some hope in their lives. And all of us commonly desire LOVE in our life but sadly, we don't even know how to get it. 

Then you feel lost and try to seek things that will make you comfortable and soothe that wound in your heart. But comforts don't really cure the wounds, do they? Even the process of remedy is painful. How do you expect to heal when you were wounded by your failures, your heartbreaks, or the painful past if you won't face the process just because it's painful? 

Remember that change is always painful. You need to leave your old beliefs and get the new ones. And it keeps happening all the time in life. That's why you shouldn't stick too much to your beliefs, be flexible. For such things, Gautam Buddha or those stoic philosophers would help you a lot for how to do such things, how to learn them. "Everything is temporary," said Gautam Buddha. Your misery, your happiness, your failures or your success, even your existence. Then why make it hard when you can do things efficiently. 

Tell me one thing, all you people are learning how could you become an efficient employee in some reputed firm and what can you give yourself extra input to reach the optimum level of that mastery but have you ever asked yourself that are you living your life, one single life, which is ending one minute at a time, efficiently? 

The wisdom you learn from the years of experience is good. We all must have some experiences in life which helps us to judge things shrewdly and make better choices for ourselves. But aren't you making the same mistake of learning the exact same thing which others did from their own experience and now you are also learning the same thing with your limited time? 

You know...life is short, it is because most of the time we all waste into futile things and don't do those things that we truly like. We are so much into impressing others in our life that we forgot to please ourselves and do the things that truly make us happy. 

And we all are doing it because of the simple thing: We want to be accepted. 

But my question to you is have you accepted yourself first? 

You are changing according to the ways of how other people would accept you. Please, don't deny that, we all do this. Showing middle finger in your picture, quoting below "Fuck You haters, or you don't give a fuck"....well...I see many of them talking about their insecurities at late-night conversations. 

People suffered worse in history than what you are suffering right now. I am not saying it with the intention of belittling your sufferings. NO. I know your sufferings are real and there's no goddamn competition here. Even I suffered such judgment in my life where people even judge the intensity of your sufferings and then they make you feel bad that it's not even that intense. And I ended up writing a quote:

"Tumhare Dard me uthna Dard he nahi hai. - Log."

So why books over people? Books don't judge you, you know! They rather empathize with you. Help you. Makes you strong. 

Many of you would be suffering from the change in the behavior of your loved ones. That change does sting your heart. You realize you are not that important to that person as you once were. 

People change with time, books don't.

I could tell you the reasons why you should read books, it helps to concentrate, it helps to grow your knowledge, it entertains you, memory improvement, learning new words all sorts of things which you already know. And you would probably answer the same if one asks you the question why you should read books. But what I am trying to tell you that it will bring tranquility to your life which is missing. 

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature." - Marcus Aurelius 

Books help you to shape your thoughts and helps you to grow stronger in this harsh world. Your issues with your life, whatever they might be. There are answers to them. Just reach to the books and they will reach back to you in great ways. 

Books don't change but they change you once you read them.  

Why I felt the need to talk about reading books to you people? Well frankly speaking it wounds me that how people are missing the chance of reading all these amazing books and change their lives completely. Very few people are in touch with books these days...most are lost in cell phones. As a book lover...it's my futile effort to make at least some of you start reading books. 

I am saying it futile because I know the motivation will dry down immediately after reading this blog. Just the way it had in my life. But I am hopeful that some of you would definitely set the habit of reading, not immediately....but definitely. 

And one more thing India's most favorite president had also left the legacy of books behind him. I don't have to name him, we all know who he is. 

Aur ha kuch bura lage to ji bhar ke comment section me galiya dena. Me koshish karunga ki fir se acche se samjh saku...but books padho...it really does change your life. 😄

Why I hate you Father!

Hello Thorat Sir, 

How's your time going in hell? Educating there to people on how things should be done? Are you enjoying your time there? Oh, you must be enjoying...and even if you are not then I know what you'd say to me. So I'll assume as usual that you are doing fine. 

We are also doing fine after you left us. Or at least we are pretending it well that we are doing fine. Mom's okay...she has held up herself really strong. She does miss you but she hides it from me. She needs to be strong for her both children. Seeing her in pain scares the shit out of me and Abhijeet. 

It's your birthday today, 2nd March. We could have celebrated it only if you hadn't left us like this. But what's the point you never liked cakes either. It's been more than five months now...five and a half to be precise since you left and a lot had happened. 

You'd be damned but your disappointing son has fulfilled his dream. How do you feel about that? People keep telling me that you'd be feeling so proud of me. Tell me, are you feeling proud of me? 

For years I've been trying to prove you wrong and gain savage satisfaction from it. I proved you wrong but I still didn't get the satisfaction that I was hoping for. It seems I shall always feel empty within. Maybe I never wanted to prove you wrong because you weren't wrong about education. I just wanted to show you that I wasn't wrong either for my literature. 

I'm having a really tough time with this damn PGDM thing. I feel constant suffocation and I have to endure it with a smile on my face. I'm trying so hard to fit in there...to be a fine corporate product by the end of it which would be sold for a decent package.

That's what it does, doesn't it? These colleges and institutions, who take great pride in creating skilled students for the corporate world in the name of creating the future. I am so amazed that how my batchmates are trying so hard to fit into those criteria. Most of them can't even see the trap, they think it's a success. Corporate needs an efficient cog that will run their system optimally that would create the seamless function of the affairs of these big conglomerates and then it will generate profits for those lords, sitting above everyone else on that 1% clubhouse. 

While these students shall remain valuable employees and will be rewarded for their skills and services now and then, to keep them motivated for what they are doing, or more precisely to keep them blind from other things they'll be rewarded monetary benefits. They forget one very important thing that this corporate will replace them within the week once they become obsolete to them. 

I try to become blind like them but I always fail to. All I can see how these institutions are making us docile to the corporate needs. Shaping us according to the norms of these corporate worlds for the reward of livelihood but at the cost of losing our true self. 

I feel like I'm losing my true self. I always feel that but I endure it. I have to endure it because now I have responsibilities on my head. I'm your elder son, aren't I? I must look after the family and I want to but do you know why I hate you? 

I hate you because you left just like that. I had asked you for these two years of PGDM to bear with me and then later on I wanted to walk away from all of you. I was tired of constantly feeling a burden on you people and worse was that I was dying because of a constant disappointment for you. Let's face the bitter truth Thorat Sir, I didn't like you nor did you like me. It was better that we both should have lived separately. 

Now that you've left, I'm stuck with this responsibility and hence I lose my chance of the freedom I was looking for. The freedom of walking away from all of this. This town, these people, from my room, from this home, from this family. 

Now I'm trying to succumb to those training, I won't call it education but training for what we are getting at college, so yeah, I am trying to succumb to it but my spirit fights back so hard and I keep failing. 

Back in July/August 2020, you had gone outside with your usual paperwork and I and mother were alone at home. A man in shabby clothes was on our door and seemed timid as he saw me coming to the door. He put up both palms together and said Namaste to me. I felt it so uncomfortable as the man was elder than me and then he spoke in his hesitant voice that he was looking for Thorat Sir. I asked him what is it about and then he said that it was regarding the admission of his daughter. Your connections with people and schools had always brought benefits for such people. I had said him that you are not at home and gave him, your phone number. He was so relieved and seemed that he was in dire need of your help. Looking at that man gave me unusual satisfaction. He seemed happy and hopeful that his daughter will get the admission he was hoping for. Later mom told me that that man was a vegetable vendor and you often bought vegetables from him. It hit me hard and I was speechless for a moment. I felt frustrated and I walked to mother and I said to her frustratingly, "That Thorat Sir, I hate him." 

"What happened now?" asked mother. 

"He doesn't even let me hate him peacefully," I said frustratingly while walking away from her.  

I always talked about my such struggles to Shikha Ma'am and she's surprised and admires me at the same time for having such views. Isn't it ironic that she's my favorite teacher here in ISBS, me who has zero interest in becoming a corporate rat, while she was the topper of the college at her time? She keeps checking up on me every two to three days...sometimes every day...making sure if I am doing okay. 

She looked after me when you were gone. She was there, while I wanted to give up on everything, she didn't let me nor did Aastha. Aastha's my best friend here in ISBS. She was there, you know when I had lost you. She was a true friend checking up on me at least 4 times a day to make sure how am I holding on to this loss. I tried to push her away....she didn't go, rather rebuked me many times. She does care for me, genuinely. I'm not saying that....Shikha Ma'am says that to me. I was going to walk away from Aastha too, I don't trust friendships but Shikha ma'am rebuked me. Obviously, she doesn't want me to lead a life with a skeptical mindset so I listened to my teacher, despite my disagreement. 

I could survive all these months mainly because of these two and also because of my home in ISBS, my A section. They were there for me, making sure I am doing okay. They have been so supportive at that time and even now. Me publishing my debut book makes them proud of me and I feel so happy that I could do something for them. I always try to be there for them too as they are there for me. But these days I am living distant from them too. 

I am a horrible person. I know it makes them wonder why Piyush is distancing himself and then it gives birth to many speculations or assumptions. The thing is I am not okay. And I need to be alone to be okay. I have left the what's app group of A section but that doesn't mean I have left the A section. It's more than that. Shrishti, my A section classmate and a very good friend to me, texted me inquiring about such strange behavior. You know what Thorat Sir, this is the thing about this class, they all keep holding each other together and don't let leave. Unity is what my section is known for. Shikha ma'am often teased us like the "Hum Saath Saath Hai" type section. 

I don't tell them my actual sufferings and nor will I. I think it's in blood. I had met your oldest friend, Thakare Kaka, he was complaining that you never spoke to him about your issues. People were calling him after your demise and questioning him ferociously that how could he not anything when you both were really good friends. 

Some friends think that I am a boy with a vague personality, some think that I have many secrets, Shikha ma'am read it aptly that I have a layered personality. There is a layer under a layer, revealing one thing after another. Very few can penetrate the first two layers. 

You always hated how I never got mixed with people. You very very extroverted and you had an introverted son. We both were never the same and yet acted similarly at many times. I must admit that the world is actually a bitch. It's fucking cruel and cold. It has no regard for you. No fucks given. 

You have been so hard on me. You gave me a rough time, trying to make me tough so that I can endure this world. You didn't let the world hurt me but you did it yourself. Why? Were you scared that the world would have been harsher than you on me? Was it your way to love me? 

I had taken admission in Aided, thinking that you'd be there so it would be helpful. I was gravely wrong and I was 9 at that time. And since then it all started, the fights between obnoxious father and eccentric son. You remember that how I was failing so bad in that Semi-English medium because I could not fathom anything in the English language. It was the start for you to feel disappointed in me. I could not pass but I could read books, storybooks in Marathi. I had read many books that year and I was going ahead of the one who had read the most books that year in the Aided, but you didn't let that happen. There used to be a price by the end of the year to the student who read the most books in the library. I could have had it but you didn't let it happen, worried it might arise questions on your integrity.

People assume I have an intense interest in books because my father was a librarian. They don't know that you were the exact person who wanted me to not read those books but only academics. "These books shall take you nowhere," you kept saying that to me every time you found me reading some storybook.

When you didn't let me have the price that year I took a vow that I shall never enter the library and read books there...I still follow that vow after 19 years. 

After the mental torturing years at Aided, I was finally happy that my life would be better now; I was gravely wrong. I met horrendous years after Aided. I kept failing in academics and it kept consolidating the fact that I am an embarrassment for you. That shit still stings me sharply. "You are no son of mine." you said in your intimidating loud voice. I was so scared of you and I still am. 

I showed you my rude behavior instead of admitting that I feel horrible that I am a disappointment to you. It was so heavy to feel a burden to the family and shame to you. I always felt like an outcast. I went to sleep empty stomach many times, almost all the time after our fights. I thought I was hurting myself but I was hurting mom with such actions. 

She still makes good food for me with all her heart. I don't go to sleep empty stomach anymore. Juno had broken that habit of mine. Yes, she was not just a friend to me. We both loved each other and I know you knew it somewhere. I lost her in betrayal. Still trying to recover from that wound too and you gave me worse than that with your demise. That's another reason why I hate you. 

Do you remember when my friend had lost his father in an accident and on that day you weren't at home and traveling back home? Me and that friend had never got along but when he suffered this tragedy I was the first friend he had called to share his loss. I had gone to see him promptly and as soon as she had seen me there he had hugged me so tightly. I could feel the burden of his loss. When I saw his mother crying it had terrified me to the core of my soul. 

I returned home in silence and I kept checking up on your location and when will you return home. I was just making sure that you have not met any accident and you are alive. And when I finally saw you at home I hugged you tightly. I was relieved that you are back home. You and I both never hugged nor do we like hugs but that's the only time I remember that I ever hugged you. 

My friend's father had died in an accident and his father was drunk at that time. I have known how his father's drinking habit had affected my friend's childhood and teenage life. Many times he wanted to leave home... I know how you always taught me to not drink and shared your strong values against drinking. Your both son don't drink nor smoke nor chew tobacco... as a father are you happy with your both sons for that much at least? 

But I want to confess one thing. I had consumed liquor once, back in 2019 when I was going through heartbreak. I didn't consume it like generally, any heartbroken boy does these days... I was wounded most that Juno had started to consume it despite the promise she had made to me and to you all. So with Hrishi, I tried to taste it...how it feels like...why people are mad about it...I am sorry that I failed you there...that half glass of wine had made me lose all my sense and self-control. I was in Pune on FC road, Manish was also with us and when I got out of that Bar and walking on a footpath I called Abhijeet. I was so much in pain and I was feeling I am losing my brothers because I and Prateek weren't talking, I was disappointed in Naval too and I was feeling so guilty and I said to Abhijeet that I love him most. I was scared that I shall lose him someday. It hurts me that he doesn't show much love to me but despite that I love him. 

He felt it so weird and asked me to give the phone to Hrishi and he questions him that what's wrong with me. Hrishi handled the conversation while I was telling Manish that he's also my brother and I love him so much. He's my darling. Then Hrishi got mad at me and said that he made the mistake to allow me to have it when I was sad inside. Then I said to him that I love him too and he's brother to me. He laughed. His mood was changed back to normal. Shikha Ma'am loves my bonding with Hrishi. She reads my second book every time I write a new chapter. There she could see the bonding between me and Hrishi. 

But after that, I never touched liquor and I promise you that I never will, no matter how painful life becomes. You know this made me write a wonderful quote for my book, "You, my friend when in pain pick up a glass of wine, while I pick up a book. We are not the same."  I had used it once on my friend Soumya while we were having chat on what's app. It had hit him hard and he was really impressed and had asked that I must write it in my book. 

I know I'm in a place where most of the people around me drink as a part of their lifestyle and I am fine with it. But I do advise my closest to give up drinking. 

Men drinking, coming home, beating their wives and children to show their authority. I have seen such stories many times in my childhood in news channels or movies even in storybooks. It had built up my mindset that I shall never become one of those men. MEN, they call themselves, so proudly, who can't even deal with their pain without numbing it with liquor and become abusive behind the closed door of homes while act decent in society. 

I had told my views and reasons behind my strict behavior against drinking to Shikha ma'am when I was wounded, once again after seeing the person doing the exact thing which she had told me she doesn't. Seems like I was lied to once again in life. Ma'am rebuked me for paying attention to such worthless people and ignoring the one that actually cares, such as Aastha and my A section.

You know when I had gone to Amravati in 2015 after I had to leave my college of Khamgaon. The fight I had at college and I was such a nuisance for you. I remained quiet there in Amravati and kept myself busy with books. Bought books from Amazon and Flipkart. Today, after 6 years your son has his book available on Amazon. How do you feel about that? I hate you because I wanted to mock you and see your expressions and I don't get to see that now. 

You traveled despite my strict prohibition and got yourself this obnoxious virus. We lost you because of that and it had also infected me and Abhijeet. Fortunately, Mom wasn't infected. Abhijeet had to take you to the hospital while I was sick at home, he spent all day and went through hell for admitting you to the hospital. He had no idea what to do but yet he kept taking you here and there. He looked after all the activities for admitting you in hosital and within two days he had to endure the news of your demise. He fucking hid it from me and mom. He kept his mouth shut the whole night, knowing that his father is no more. How would have spent that night upstairs in his room? TELL ME! 

He went through hell but kept quiet and it boils me to the core of my heart and I hate you father that you put him in such situations. Only if you had listened to me once and hadn't traveled then we all would have been together. Still fighting but at least together. 

My condition got serious in the last week of September due to covid and Abhijeet was terrified to his soul looking at me in that condition. Hrishi was getting so furious at me and wanted to come and slap me to show some improvements but he couldn't. He must stay away. He stood on the road right before our home and called me and rebuked me bad that I better get well soon. Shantanu was also worried. They both kept providing supplements at those times. 

When I was burning in that temperature at such times Pam had come to save me. She nursed me, despite knowing that I had covid. She is a single mother with three children behind her and yet she went to that level because her fourth son was... 

When I got recovered and called her and said her that she must not act like this ever again and she must think that she doesn't have three but four children. Do you know what she said to me? Abhijeet too and Hrishi too. Damn, that hit me hard. You know Thorat Sir when I heard the news of your demise I died inside instantly. I did not even cry a single tear. Kavita Maushi literally begged me to cry and unburden the weight but I didn't...I couldn't....but when I saw Pam coming to me...crying....she hugged me and said, "I didn't even have the courage to face you." I cried there in her arms. 

Hrishi knew it too that we had lost you at night and that night I was talking with him that I am not having a good feeling about me. He kept saying to me that you are okay. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to pretend that time with me. The next day, in the morning, when I was crying hugging Pam...I saw him...and asked him. "Did you know already?" He looked down with a heavy heart. I had received my answer. 

Shikha ma'am says that I have these people in my life, Abhijeet, Hrishi, Pam, Shantanu, Ladoo, and Aastha...I should learn to be happy for them. I am happy that I have them in my life but sometimes I really can't hide the fact that I am dying inside. I hurt them too sometimes. 

Abhijeet sees me working tirelessly every day and sometimes when I talk to him about college and tell him that this girl texted me or that girl texted me...both he and Hrishi asks me if I like someone there in college...then I reply to them that I can't indulge myself in such things, I have responsibilities. My dear brother gives me really worse expressions and says to me that, "Learn to live these moments in dire situations. That's called living life. You don't worry about the responsibilities...you just focus on your academics...your younger brother is here....he'd take care of everything." 

You see that's why I hate you for putting me into such a thing. I am the elder one...I should be the one taking care of him and mother but I am not capable right now...it puts me into great shame and it coerces me into focusing on my PGDM and I hate myself when I fail to meet my academic duties...I hate myself when I fail to perform well in the classroom. I hate myself when I don't fathom any concept. Because it scares me that if I don't perform well here right now then I shall not get a job and consequently I will never be capable to take care of them...I shall always be a loser. 

Then Thorat Sir, I'd be a disappointment in my own eyes and that would be heavier than everything that I experienced with you in past. 

I had taken a vow that I shall not come before Thakur sir until I complete my formal education....five years and I'm still following that...but I have also made a promise back in December 2020 to Shikha mam that I'd be a student from semester two...I will start participating in classes...I'd start studying too. And I intend to keep that promise...despite questions that may arise over my introversion...I'd keep quiet. 

So Thorat sir, I had a fucking rough day today...and I wrote it to deal with the shit I was holding inside me for months. "Jab bhi dukhi rahte ho to pura frustration writing me nikal dete ho, full creativity ke liye use karte ho taklif ko." said Shikha maam to me in January this year. So yeah...hopefully...I'd be able to use this sorrow and performing well in my academics too. 

From tomorrow I'd start again to learn to succumb to this training....hopefully one day I'd tamed. 

Till then....have fun in hell....see you soon there. 

Virtual Love

'Goodbye.' she said. Her words were cold and hurtful for him and way more damaging for her own. She liked him. Now it was getting so hard for her to hide and it was scaring her a lot. Within this short period of three months, she fell in love with this boy, whom she never even met. She was questioning her own emotions, is it even possible to fall for someone without even meeting them in real? Can love happen online? 

She was insecure and lost and found no answer to her confusion. All her works, her studies, and her thoughts were occupied with his voice in her head. She loved how he was in her heart and mind, fantasizing about the scenarios that she desired to live. Those beautiful tempting thoughts would bring a smile to her face randomly and people around her will wonder what's with this girl? What is she happy about? 

She loved talking with him and showing her vulnerability to him because he was there to understand her and she loved it so much about him. She never had anyone with whom she could have such free talks and open up her heart and show her true self to someone. Living the new freedom in her usual old mundane life was a new sort of experience, a new life, a new hope. And she loved it because it felt good, it made her dance, it made her smile because it made her listen to the music which wasn't there.

The music was in her head and she kept hearing those stupid songs on Spotify, that's what she called them, the stupid songs because it reminded her of him. She would blush when she would hear those songs which he had shared with her because she felt that this boy, whom she is falling in love with is telling his emotions through those songs. He made promises with her through the lyrics of the songs he shared with her, and she goes around thinking about it. She would dance stupidly when she would be alone in the room because her happiness would be out of control to her. 

Her dog would see her and would often wonder, 'What's up with ma Hooman these days? Why is she behaving so strange?' and he would bark and move his tail seeking her attention, and then she would hug him adoringly. 'Oh, I love you too baby. So much.' she would say to her dog. Things were changing inside her and she was feeling happier every day. 

The phone calls would go for hours, unnoticed. Time does fly fast when you talk with your favorite person. Though they talked, they fought much often about this thing or that thing, especially boy would be jealous seeing her becoming good friends with someone else, he wanted to be the most important friend but what he didn't know that he already was. She never much showed him his actual importance. Maybe she was just checking how he reacts and observes him under certain scenarios, maybe she needed more time to decide, maybe she still needed to know more about him until she allows herself to fall completely for him.  

Seeing his frustration and suffocation would often give her assurance that he truly cares. To her surprise when she didn't expect him to be there and he still stood there was a pleasant realization to her heart that it can be loved and cared for. She didn't think her heart could be loved, maybe she had her own reason, maybe she had her own insecurities and maybe...she had her own experiences. 

Both were falling for each other but nobody wanted to admit it. She needed him to admit it first while he was not sure that she can feel the same way about him. Things were there but still were left unsaid. The boy had known the pain of heartbreak and the girl was afraid of having her first. Yet they both resisting themselves from the temptation they felt of each other's company and barely could succeed in it. 

She needed him to accept her as she was and yet she was unsure if someone can truly love what she was. But he liked her, with all her insecurities and damages, and tried to heal her but she won't let him. The fear of getting habitual with his care was intimidating her tender heart. They both gave more power to their fears of uncertainties than the thing they felt inside their heart. 

The girl tried her best to keep things agreeable but something always turned up and spoiled the things. She hated herself for causing hurt to his heart repeatedly and what frustrated her even more, that the boy endured and kept changing himself for her because he couldn't be without her. She will get frustrated and angry. She will ask him to talk to her, take it out, say her things, don't show understanding...just yell at her...she knew that she was hurtful...yet he will keep quiet and will ask her a question that would break her into tears: Can I just hug you and make you feel okay? 

She craved for him and said 'Go away' but she meant Stay, I fuckin need you. She thought he would leave but he didn't. He heard her heart and stayed. The passion was getting out of control and he hated how the distance had separated them both. He grunted in frustration and closed his eyes in helplessness. Nothing could be done, in situations like this...you must stay away.  

But what truly separated them were their situations, she knew that where her life would lead. Ultimately it would be her family's desire that she must accept and right now she must strangle the love she was feeling before it grows and becomes out of control. She was scared because she was changing and so was the boy.

'Are you in love?' she asked and he kept quiet for a moment and said, 'No.' He can't be. He shouldn't be but yet he was falling. The girl saw the resistance within him and got the answer. He was afraid that if he might confess his emotions then he might lose her and that he can't tolerate, this sweet suffocation he may. 

'You won't lose me.' she said reading his silence and he was surprised, yet kept quiet. 'But we won't be talking.' Oh...that hurt the boy but he still endured it. She was the only person he wanted to talk to and when he was talking with her, the rest of the people were invisible to him. 'But we will think about each other. We will miss each other.' and he hated her words. How could she do it to him, how could she do it to herself?  'You are draining me, damn girl.' he said to her while fighting to his tears. The girl could barely hold hers but feigned carelessness because she needed to be successful in pushing him away. 

He was consuming her and she was terrified of it. He was growing everywhere and she could not resist him. When things go out of her control she chooses to abandon them because she freaks out. And she said 'Goodbye.' 

'You are a coward.' he yelled at her. 

'Go to someone who is not a coward.' she replied holding her tears. 

'You are afraid to feel it.' the boy said. 'You are afraid that you will be happy and then it be backed by excruciating misery. You made me feel that I am important to you.' 

'You are.'

'Fuck you.' the boy screamed vehemently. 'You made me feel things and now you are breaking my heart. How could you do this to me? Aren't you suffocating too like I am?'

She was dying yet she kept her mouth shut. Her silence drove him crazy and hated her. 'You are toxic.' 

'I am sorry.' she said. 'I really am.' 

The boy broke down and the girl was numb with all the pain she was trying to contain within her. She knew her family wouldn't allow it, she must resist it now. She must hurt him now in order to save him from greater misery. Ohhh she cared for him...but she couldn't show it. She had to conceal it under her cold behaviour towards him. She tried to make him hate her, maybe hate will triumph over the pain. How innocent she was, she knew very little. 

'You know love, I had a dream the other night.' the boy said. 

'What dream?' she asked. She still wanted to take all those emotions from his heart with her, making it a memory of unlived moments. 

'That how I shall say to you something.' the boy said. 'Before everyone, if I have to, without fear, that...Please break my heart. I know someday you'd have to listen to your family. Someday you'd have to do the things which are expected of you. But meantime there is a time of happiness and please let me have it. I have so many plans thought in my head with you and I want to live them before you must go away from me. Please...let me have it...Please break my heart.' 

And the girl broke down in tears. She couldn't resist it anymore. God she loved this idiot boy, she loved him a lot and she wished she could hug him right now at 3 am in the morning. 

'Are you stupid?' she said. 'Who asks for heartbreaks?'

'Me.' the boy said. 

'You are already healing from one.' 

'Then why are you giving me another already?' the boy wondered. 'It's not even time, there is still time for you to break my heart. Till then let me be happy with you.' 

And she cried harder, she battled harder. 'What about my heart?' 

'It can't be broken. I don't think I can break it. I am not capable to make it love me. That heart maybe doesn't feel the connection with me.' said the boy. 

Oh, you stupid boy....my heart does feel the connection with you...it's just I never showed it to you. 

'You really don't think of me as human, do you?' she said. How could you fail to notice the things which we both felt. How could that not assure you of all the things? Should everything come upon the lips?

'You are human love, but you won't let your heartbreak for someone like me.' said the boy. 

'Loving you then leaving you. It won't be easy.' she said vulnerably. 

'How do you expect me to understand that of you when all you do is act so cold with me?' asked the boy. 

'Because I can't afford to be seen warm.' spoke the girl. 'Pain is right under my control and if it gets out of my control then I leave.' 

The boy felt intense pain. Things were falling apart even before they were started. 'I think it's better that I think it was all from my side only.' said the boy. 'I was a stupid fuck who grew an attachment with someone whom he never even met or saw in real. Just video calls and what's app chats were enough for me to feel something for you?' he stopped. Took a break and spoke again. 'I feel embarrassed that I thought you also feel the same way for me but I guess if I convince myself that it was just my own stupid mistake then things would be better.' 

God, she was breaking, she was breaking down so hard. She spoke in her vulnerable crying voice, 'It's from my side too.' 

For a moment the boy felt an ecstasy. Then he wondered why would she do it.

'Don't consume me.' she implored. 'I shall hurt you because I have a wild heart.' 

'And that's what you are afraid of? asked the boy. 

'No.' answered her. 'I am just wondering how can I feel it all when I haven't even met you in person. Whatever we shared it was all over phones or video meet up.' she was feeling suffocation as it lacked the validity in her eyes. 'How could it be suffice?' 

The boy scoffed over the irony of the situation, he thought it was him who was suffering the most but it was her battle inside her heart that was more painful. 'You are in love. YOU ARE IN LOVE.' 

'Yes, I am.' 

'And you think it's not valid because it's....virtual... and that's why you were strangling it?' asked the boy. 

'Ultimately it would lead to disappointment and disappointments would lead to pain. I don't want to hurt you.' spoke the girl. 

'I know but you are.' said the boy. 'You are hurting me now by depriving me of the moments I could have with you just because of the uncertainties of the future.' 

'Don't you get it? I will hurt you in the end.' implored the girl. 

'I know...but let's live a little before that.' 

'How?' the girl asked. 'We'd still be apart.' 

'Yet closest than anyone else in college.' said the boy. 'And we can live a little by doing all the things we dreamt of doing...may those be simple things but the experience would be out of the world because we would have each other.'

The girl smiled with happiness. 

'So will you live all those moments you thought to live?' asked the boy. 

'Yes.' the girl said gladly.