Virtual Love

'Goodbye.' she said. Her words were cold and hurtful for him and way more damaging for her own. She liked him. Now it was getting so hard for her to hide and it was scaring her a lot. Within this short period of three months, she fell in love with this boy, whom she never even met. She was questioning her own emotions, is it even possible to fall for someone without even meeting them in real? Can love happen online? 

She was insecure and lost and found no answer to her confusion. All her works, her studies, and her thoughts were occupied with his voice in her head. She loved how he was in her heart and mind, fantasizing about the scenarios that she desired to live. Those beautiful tempting thoughts would bring a smile to her face randomly and people around her will wonder what's with this girl? What is she happy about? 

She loved talking with him and showing her vulnerability to him because he was there to understand her and she loved it so much about him. She never had anyone with whom she could have such free talks and open up her heart and show her true self to someone. Living the new freedom in her usual old mundane life was a new sort of experience, a new life, a new hope. And she loved it because it felt good, it made her dance, it made her smile because it made her listen to the music which wasn't there.

The music was in her head and she kept hearing those stupid songs on Spotify, that's what she called them, the stupid songs because it reminded her of him. She would blush when she would hear those songs which he had shared with her because she felt that this boy, whom she is falling in love with is telling his emotions through those songs. He made promises with her through the lyrics of the songs he shared with her, and she goes around thinking about it. She would dance stupidly when she would be alone in the room because her happiness would be out of control to her. 

Her dog would see her and would often wonder, 'What's up with ma Hooman these days? Why is she behaving so strange?' and he would bark and move his tail seeking her attention, and then she would hug him adoringly. 'Oh, I love you too baby. So much.' she would say to her dog. Things were changing inside her and she was feeling happier every day. 

The phone calls would go for hours, unnoticed. Time does fly fast when you talk with your favorite person. Though they talked, they fought much often about this thing or that thing, especially boy would be jealous seeing her becoming good friends with someone else, he wanted to be the most important friend but what he didn't know that he already was. She never much showed him his actual importance. Maybe she was just checking how he reacts and observes him under certain scenarios, maybe she needed more time to decide, maybe she still needed to know more about him until she allows herself to fall completely for him.  

Seeing his frustration and suffocation would often give her assurance that he truly cares. To her surprise when she didn't expect him to be there and he still stood there was a pleasant realization to her heart that it can be loved and cared for. She didn't think her heart could be loved, maybe she had her own reason, maybe she had her own insecurities and maybe...she had her own experiences. 

Both were falling for each other but nobody wanted to admit it. She needed him to admit it first while he was not sure that she can feel the same way about him. Things were there but still were left unsaid. The boy had known the pain of heartbreak and the girl was afraid of having her first. Yet they both resisting themselves from the temptation they felt of each other's company and barely could succeed in it. 

She needed him to accept her as she was and yet she was unsure if someone can truly love what she was. But he liked her, with all her insecurities and damages, and tried to heal her but she won't let him. The fear of getting habitual with his care was intimidating her tender heart. They both gave more power to their fears of uncertainties than the thing they felt inside their heart. 

The girl tried her best to keep things agreeable but something always turned up and spoiled the things. She hated herself for causing hurt to his heart repeatedly and what frustrated her even more, that the boy endured and kept changing himself for her because he couldn't be without her. She will get frustrated and angry. She will ask him to talk to her, take it out, say her things, don't show understanding...just yell at her...she knew that she was hurtful...yet he will keep quiet and will ask her a question that would break her into tears: Can I just hug you and make you feel okay? 

She craved for him and said 'Go away' but she meant Stay, I fuckin need you. She thought he would leave but he didn't. He heard her heart and stayed. The passion was getting out of control and he hated how the distance had separated them both. He grunted in frustration and closed his eyes in helplessness. Nothing could be done, in situations like this...you must stay away.  

But what truly separated them were their situations, she knew that where her life would lead. Ultimately it would be her family's desire that she must accept and right now she must strangle the love she was feeling before it grows and becomes out of control. She was scared because she was changing and so was the boy.

'Are you in love?' she asked and he kept quiet for a moment and said, 'No.' He can't be. He shouldn't be but yet he was falling. The girl saw the resistance within him and got the answer. He was afraid that if he might confess his emotions then he might lose her and that he can't tolerate, this sweet suffocation he may. 

'You won't lose me.' she said reading his silence and he was surprised, yet kept quiet. 'But we won't be talking.' Oh...that hurt the boy but he still endured it. She was the only person he wanted to talk to and when he was talking with her, the rest of the people were invisible to him. 'But we will think about each other. We will miss each other.' and he hated her words. How could she do it to him, how could she do it to herself?  'You are draining me, damn girl.' he said to her while fighting to his tears. The girl could barely hold hers but feigned carelessness because she needed to be successful in pushing him away. 

He was consuming her and she was terrified of it. He was growing everywhere and she could not resist him. When things go out of her control she chooses to abandon them because she freaks out. And she said 'Goodbye.' 

'You are a coward.' he yelled at her. 

'Go to someone who is not a coward.' she replied holding her tears. 

'You are afraid to feel it.' the boy said. 'You are afraid that you will be happy and then it be backed by excruciating misery. You made me feel that I am important to you.' 

'You are.'

'Fuck you.' the boy screamed vehemently. 'You made me feel things and now you are breaking my heart. How could you do this to me? Aren't you suffocating too like I am?'

She was dying yet she kept her mouth shut. Her silence drove him crazy and hated her. 'You are toxic.' 

'I am sorry.' she said. 'I really am.' 

The boy broke down and the girl was numb with all the pain she was trying to contain within her. She knew her family wouldn't allow it, she must resist it now. She must hurt him now in order to save him from greater misery. Ohhh she cared for him...but she couldn't show it. She had to conceal it under her cold behaviour towards him. She tried to make him hate her, maybe hate will triumph over the pain. How innocent she was, she knew very little. 

'You know love, I had a dream the other night.' the boy said. 

'What dream?' she asked. She still wanted to take all those emotions from his heart with her, making it a memory of unlived moments. 

'That how I shall say to you something.' the boy said. 'Before everyone, if I have to, without fear, that...Please break my heart. I know someday you'd have to listen to your family. Someday you'd have to do the things which are expected of you. But meantime there is a time of happiness and please let me have it. I have so many plans thought in my head with you and I want to live them before you must go away from me. Please...let me have it...Please break my heart.' 

And the girl broke down in tears. She couldn't resist it anymore. God she loved this idiot boy, she loved him a lot and she wished she could hug him right now at 3 am in the morning. 

'Are you stupid?' she said. 'Who asks for heartbreaks?'

'Me.' the boy said. 

'You are already healing from one.' 

'Then why are you giving me another already?' the boy wondered. 'It's not even time, there is still time for you to break my heart. Till then let me be happy with you.' 

And she cried harder, she battled harder. 'What about my heart?' 

'It can't be broken. I don't think I can break it. I am not capable to make it love me. That heart maybe doesn't feel the connection with me.' said the boy. 

Oh, you stupid boy....my heart does feel the connection with you...it's just I never showed it to you. 

'You really don't think of me as human, do you?' she said. How could you fail to notice the things which we both felt. How could that not assure you of all the things? Should everything come upon the lips?

'You are human love, but you won't let your heartbreak for someone like me.' said the boy. 

'Loving you then leaving you. It won't be easy.' she said vulnerably. 

'How do you expect me to understand that of you when all you do is act so cold with me?' asked the boy. 

'Because I can't afford to be seen warm.' spoke the girl. 'Pain is right under my control and if it gets out of my control then I leave.' 

The boy felt intense pain. Things were falling apart even before they were started. 'I think it's better that I think it was all from my side only.' said the boy. 'I was a stupid fuck who grew an attachment with someone whom he never even met or saw in real. Just video calls and what's app chats were enough for me to feel something for you?' he stopped. Took a break and spoke again. 'I feel embarrassed that I thought you also feel the same way for me but I guess if I convince myself that it was just my own stupid mistake then things would be better.' 

God, she was breaking, she was breaking down so hard. She spoke in her vulnerable crying voice, 'It's from my side too.' 

For a moment the boy felt an ecstasy. Then he wondered why would she do it.

'Don't consume me.' she implored. 'I shall hurt you because I have a wild heart.' 

'And that's what you are afraid of? asked the boy. 

'No.' answered her. 'I am just wondering how can I feel it all when I haven't even met you in person. Whatever we shared it was all over phones or video meet up.' she was feeling suffocation as it lacked the validity in her eyes. 'How could it be suffice?' 

The boy scoffed over the irony of the situation, he thought it was him who was suffering the most but it was her battle inside her heart that was more painful. 'You are in love. YOU ARE IN LOVE.' 

'Yes, I am.' 

'And you think it's not valid because it's....virtual... and that's why you were strangling it?' asked the boy. 

'Ultimately it would lead to disappointment and disappointments would lead to pain. I don't want to hurt you.' spoke the girl. 

'I know but you are.' said the boy. 'You are hurting me now by depriving me of the moments I could have with you just because of the uncertainties of the future.' 

'Don't you get it? I will hurt you in the end.' implored the girl. 

'I know...but let's live a little before that.' 

'How?' the girl asked. 'We'd still be apart.' 

'Yet closest than anyone else in college.' said the boy. 'And we can live a little by doing all the things we dreamt of doing...may those be simple things but the experience would be out of the world because we would have each other.'

The girl smiled with happiness. 

'So will you live all those moments you thought to live?' asked the boy. 

'Yes.' the girl said gladly.