Dear Diary,
I'm writing in dejection and if you wonder why am I dejected once again in life? Well, the same old reason: failure.
Recently, say a month ago, I failed a very important exam which would have set the direction of my career in corporate. I studied six months for that certification which other people usually take around three months but despite taking more time than others, I still failed. Honestly speaking, this makes me feel so inferior about myself.
Failure is not something that I am unaware of nor is it the first time that I have failed an exam. You know how many exams I've failed and how much I have suffered because of that but the worst thing is that I am still suffering because of those old failures. Why? Well, criteria... educational gap does not constitute an ideal candidate for a job.
I have applied for hundreds of jobs after failing the certification and not a single response I have received of getting shortlisted for an interview. My inbox is filled with a string of emails of rejection. It hurts. The rejection hurts so bad, especially in the times when things depend upon you, when you have responsibilities on your shoulders and that does not allow you to fail but then you still fail.
How would feel in such a situation? I felt a heavy burden on my chest like something was crushing my chest and no amount of movement was able to shift the crushing burden. The burden of guilt. The burden of failure.
Failing an exam itself isn't hurting me, it's what it represents that's hurting me. Most people gave me a cold reaction that it was just an exam but nobody really understood what this situation meant for me. And how badly it has damaged me both psychologically and emotionally. I had made an effort to speak out my suffering to my friends but then they compared other people's sufferings to mine and I really didn't know how they meant to help me by doing that. Consequently, I put a lock of silence on my mouth but the suffering piled up and it suffocated me. Despite my many inhumane treatments on myself in order to stand on the definition of being emotionally and psychologically strong, it has done more damage to me than benefits.
Being a human makes me susceptible to the need for empathy from someone. But honestly speaking I don't have someone who could truly empathize with me instead some make me feel worse by comparing other people's sufferings to my own. Well, when I contemplate this thought it flashes the memory from the past, that face which gave me the comfort of the whole world with her mere presence, now gone from my life. Four and half years and still no replacement is found for her, all attempts failed.
Anagha Ma'am once said to me that I should stop looking for her in every girl that comes into my life. Nobody is gonna be like her. Which I agree, that nobody could be like her, she was of her own league. But my attempts didn't really fail because I was looking for her in someone else, they failed mainly because of my own circumstances. I mean seriously what chances did I stand with my second-hand bike against the guy who took her out in his fancy car. Hrishi was right, money buys everything. After arguing with him all my life that money can't buy love or respect, now I've come to the point where I believe money can even buy me true love and respect. So basically for me to be loved I just need to fill my pockets with money.
As a writer, I must be honest with my words and their synchronization with my actual emotions and that's why I showed a desperate point in Beautiful Nights where the protagonist gets so overwhelmed with his act of saying goodbye to Chubby Cheeks that he expresses to his best friend the first thing he would buy after getting success is love.
Sometimes I get embarrassed for feeling this undying need to be loved by someone. And I know I won't have the luxury of love in my life, then I have to kill this longing and act stoic.
But this stoicism is not working all the time. There is more suffering to one's life than failure to find true love. I am gravely suffering from the thought of not being able to take care of my family. Passing this exam was the first step towards my new career field which would have paid me handsomely. Failing this exam represents this failure of not being able to take care of my family and that's why it hurts excruciatingly.
All my life I have heard from Thorat Sir that I am good for nothing and I am a shame to my family. These words still haunt me after twenty years and have become my trauma and it gets worse whenever I fail in life. These words come to haunt me and take over my heart and mind and bring me down to the mire of self-loathing.
My mom often complained to me about holding things from the past. "Why won't you just let go of what has happened in the past. Yes, you suffered the damage then what? What do we do about that now?"
There is no comfort at home too yet despite hearing such words from them I have to keep myself pushing to be able to provide them with the life they could not get. But what about my life? Do I not have a heart that aches? Do I not have dreams that are crushed? I also want to live my life like my old friends, I see them enjoying their lives, achieving success, buying things like cars, bikes or even homes and making their parents proud.
I am not jealous of them when I say this it's just that nobody really understands that I also have parents whom I want to make proud, but I consistently failed to do so for decades now. Mother always complained about me not letting things go from the past and so did my friends but nobody really understood that I have to live with the consequences of the things that I lost in past and I am still suffering because of that.
For example, I failed once in my 10th that too in a Marathi subject because my father had a quarrel with me just an hour before my paper and I had given a blank paper. Then in 12th, I failed twice, of course, the papers were in English now and I was very poor at English. The barrier of language comprehension became the baseline for my cognitive ability to fail to grasp any knowledge. If the same topic was taught in Marathi I would have understood it easily and would have written answers for it but when it was taught in English, the language I had no proficiency over, became the cause of my failure. On my second attempt, I even fell ill in exam time for which my dear Thorat sir hated me and said you cost me unnecessary expense when he was taking me to the hospital. Those words still hurt but then again it wasn't a new thing for me to be a disappointment for my own father... oh no... Thorat sir.
Then I failed in the first year of my graduation which surprised both of my favorite Teachers Thakur sir and Rafiq sir as I had failed in their subjects. After that, I failed twice, in all subjects, in the second year. Till this time my English was improved well enough, thanks to watching those English movies and series. But I was already suffering from fear and a state of dejection in life. The fear of seeing my future in darkness paralysed me. I could not do anything to even get out of that slog. Everything was falling down in my life and life did not choose to be kind to me either.
In September of 2014, Thorat sir fell sick so bad that we all feared we'd lose him. Friends and neighbours had started to pay visits to him and it was a terrifying sight for me to witness as the second in command after him for this shattered family. His health kept deteriorating and then he was even admitted to the hospital, thanks to his good friend Bhagat Sir. Even mom was sick at that time and Abhijeet wasn't at home, he was in Amravati, pursuing his graduation with distinction.
I could hardly sleep for more than two hours that whole week when he was in the hospital and the whole night I had to keep an eye on him, make sure that the needle won't break with the movement of his hand in sleep. At that desperate lonely moment when I was staring at him in that sick bed of the hospital at 2 in the night, I whispered to him in contempt that, "Don't you die. Don't you dare to die, you arrogant asshole. We can't afford to lose you, even the person who detests you the most I, yes, even I can't afford to lose you. I am scared to the core of my heart, seeing you so close to the death and if you cross that point and then everything falls on my shoulder. Your burden falls on my shoulders and my shoulders are not that strong yet. I would fail and it would affect everyone whom we both love, so don't you dare to die. Give me some time. Please give me some time."
Abhijeet was taking his exams at that time and he was kept ignorant about all these things. I made sure that he wouldn't find out, every time he made a phone call at home I prepared both of my parents to talk to him in a cheerful strong voice so that he wouldn't detect sickness in their voice. Also when people came to visit them both at home or the hospital I had warned them that Abhya couldn't know about it.
Why was I doing this? Not only because I cared for him but also when I saw Thorat sir in that hospital bed the unseen truth manifested before my eyes. Every father must prepare his sons for his own death and my father didn't. Should he die then everything will fall apart as everything depended upon him. And at any point, if he dies in future, one of us must be fully prepared to shoulder that burden that will fall upon both of us which he was shouldering. My academic life was totally fucked up and I knew the years I am losing now would have consequences in future. I would pay a heavy price, not just now, but even in future. But Abhya's academic journey was seamless and constant, I could not let it get affected by any household trouble. Yeah, I had played family politics and had pulled some strings to motivate Abhya to go to Amravati far away from this shit-hole environment of the house and even convince Thorat sir to do so. I don't know why I did it for him instead of for myself. I needed to get out of this environment, I was dying because of it but yet I chose to push him away. We both fought a lot and hated each other too and yet I chose to push him away from this home instead of seeking escape for myself. I hadn't realized the deep-rooted emotions within me at that time I had for him. Besides he was the son of Thorat sir I could never be. Thorat sir was always so proud of him, he wasn't a disappointment for him like me.
After a week in the hospital, he showed some improvements and he was back home, recovering. Abhijeet got to know about it and he was quite furious but went quiet when he was told by his mom that it was me who chose to do it so that it wouldn't affect his exams. And soon enough I failed my first attempt in the second year of my graduation.
This caused a great fight at home and Thorat sir had lost it all and said many hurtful things and I stood there looking down with my teary eyes feeling nothing but a burden to my father. At that point, a thing happened that I never thought could ever happen. Abhijeet fought Thorat sir IN MY DEFENCE. He found defending me? For the first time, he stood for me against the person who was so proud of him. "You've always hated him and nothing he ever done was enough for your expectations. I am taking him Amravati with me, I won't let him become subject to your frustration."
My younger brother had stood for me at the time when I was kicked down to the bottom. I kept failing in life and all my friends had left the town in the pursuit of further studies, while I was stuck here due to financial constraints and also because of my failures. I missed my friends dearly, but it is a very painful experience to see that your life is not changing as your friends' lives are and this chasm separates you from them and it makes you lonely. The realization is painful that your life is not like your friends, the stages are different. You are not where your friends are in life, you have fallen behind, probably to oblivion. They got new friends, and you see them enjoying their life watching their social media posts and silently wishing yourself to be there with them, enjoying your life too but you can't. Your life is not like theirs. And you don't have any success in making new friends either and at this point, it was my brother who stood for me, who fought for me. Despite his dislike for me. There is a biblical proverb, 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." I thought it applied to this moment but little did I know at that time that Winter was Coming for us and we were unaware of it.
Happiness came to me before I went to Amravati. Life became bearable with the arrival of a new friend. This new friend, I didn't think would become so important to me that even after four and half years she is gone from my life, I am still haunted by her memories. The world knows her by the name of Jane, because of my first book David, but only my close ones know she is not Jane. A different name was given to her.
"The world knows her by the name Jane, which is not even her real sobriquet. Bhaiya, you always build layer-on layers to protect her. Do you also wish me to address her Jane instead of Juno?" said Naval, my cousin, my brother who was among those people I had made responsible for protecting her in my absence. This new best friend became a lot more to me than just a friend in the coming years.
Living in Amravati was difficult. After living a reclusive life for two consistent years it was getting so difficult for me to get back into social life. I stayed in my room for weeks and even my mom was so worried seeing such behavioural patterns in me. When crossing the road in Amravati, I used to hold the hands of Abhijeet like a little child, everything scared me, people, roads, buildings... nothing brought me comfort except books. They helped me to sustain my sanity and of course, Juno was there. But there was a guy from Nagpur in my tuition which became my really good friend. His name is Mrunal Pangantwar.
When I could not set my heart on Amravati and was burdened with my studies, she would stick with me on phone calls and assure me that she was there for me. Gosh, I longed for her and she longed for me. And soon we both fell in love but it took us a long time to realize that, actually it took time for me to accept her love. And why not, I had a strong reason why I shouldn't accept her love.
But before that, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety by two psychologists in March 2016. I was contemplating suicide and it was Juno who pulled me back from the dark corners of my negative thoughts. When those two psychologists figured out the source of my troubles they confronted my parents and told them it was them and their behaviour at home, especially my father's. That offended him and those two were fired. Consequently, the responsibility to heal me fell on the shoulder of Juno, whom everyone looked at with great hope for my remedy.
But fate had separated us with distance once again. She went to Kota and I was sent to Pune for the break in which I was supposed to pursue my passion: Music. I was learning violin when I lived in the Kothrud area of Pune. But that too failed when to lack of seriousness of the music instructor became the problem for the whole batch. The violin was the instrument I had chosen, my fingers bled in practice but when this effort had also failed my heart bled the most.
Recently a movie was released named "12th Fail." In that movie, the protagonist fails because he is not allowed to cheat in the exam. When I watched that movie after failing this exam that I recently failed it recalled me of my own similar experience. My father, who was sick of my consistent failure, had put me into a copy centre to clear my graduation. Passing from a copy centre was unacceptable for me and I hated my circumstances such a situation came to my life when I decided to quit such a route when I had left my old life after 10th class.
But I was so desperate and scared in life that I went for it, hoping perhaps this would get me an escape from all the dejection I was suffering due to failures. But in the time of exams I was not allowed to cheat, nobody was. Strict policy by the administration had made it difficult to cheat and consequently, I failed again. So technically not twice but thrice I failed in the second year, I had failed in the first year but that won't count as I had cleared those two subjects while being in the second year.
Things went rogue even between Juno and me, she felt there was no future for us and she was scared to keep things up with me. For a few weeks, she didn't talk to me and I felt jilted and scared. By now I was so used to her presence in my life, whatever happened to me she was the first person I always went to.
Abhijeet once again took me to Amravati and then there the restart began. Juno had promised to help me again, to work on me. The depressed and hopeless boy like me found no peace, yet I kept going ahead and this time in Amravati life sent me one strong pillar of strength that I still have in life: Manish.
I did not have friends. I struggled to get admission to K. L. College, which is one of the best in Amravati for commerce. However, my marksheets had some irregularities due to which my admission was rejected after chasing teachers for one and a half months. That copy centre was Marathi medium college only and my second-year failed marksheet had Marathi medium while the first year had English medium. My documents were thrown and I was humiliated with insulting words in the presence of other students. It broke me and when I questioned Thorat sir about it, he abused me even worst and ask me to fuck off.
Feeling helpless I retreated to the desperate option of getting admission into the notorious college, where students were Chapri in straightforward words. I felt scared and suffocated in that college but I endured it anyway. It hurt me a lot seeing how my old friends were learning at good colleges in Pune and Mumbai while I rotted into some third-grade college that too in a city like Amravati. I cursed my fate and wept over it too. The more I tried to escape my circumstances the more I fell into them.
Dejected me, who joined tuition found another idiot who became my only friend from my graduation time and that was Manish. We both sat on the last bench of the tuition and soon we both became really good friends. He would bring a bottle of rum and have it in my room while chatting, offering me for the first few times but when he understood that I strongly objected to this thing he never forced or asked me again.
In my second year, I had a fight at college. I had beat one guy from my college because he was troubling me and then he brought around 70 guys to beat me. Well, I am not a South Indian movie hero, I had to run. I left the college which was in Khamgaon and this time in Amravati I was quiet and tolerant but Manish, his presence kept bullies in check. With the help of Juno, I started to show good performance in my academics now, she became my hope to get out of this rut. And soon both Manish and I became the concept of Strength and Brain in the tuition. Nobody messed up this kind of combination.
He got to know about Juno and her place in my life. Whenever he got drunk he would always say to me "I believe that true love exists when I see both of you."
The results came for the second-year exams and it was Juno who had checked my results. I had no courage to see my own failed result.
"You've passed, Piyush. You've passed in first class." said Juno on a phone call. She was the happiest and it was her who shared the result at my home.
Abhijeet instantly called her as he got to know about my result. "Congratulations."
"Why are you congratulating me? It was he who passed the exam. It was he who put in the efforts." replied Juno.
To which Abhijeet replied, "Yeah, it was him who put in the efforts but you were the reason."
She was all my reasons. I loved her. In those two years, both of our families witnessed something that they had never seen. Both of us had brought the best in each other. Families mingled and this was the first time when my parents became friends because their children were friends.
And in these years of failure, one person said to me something which I didn't believe will happen to me. "One day you will pass exams. One day you will complete your education. One day you would have a good job and above everything else one day you would become a writer." These were the words of an angel, my guardian angel: Pam. She said these words in 2016 and after two years in 2018, things started to get better for me. I had cleared all subjects in a single attempt for the first time in the last 10 years. Everyone celebrated this thing and my loneliness was going as I was building myself a family of which Juno was the core. Both of our families, including our siblings were getting together, forming a bond of togetherness building a family, surrounding Juno. Even my hateful father had given her word that he would be there for her, like a father figure and she does not have to be afraid of anyone troubling her anymore. For the rare moment, I had a father-son moment with Thorat sir, he honoured my request to him. "I will become your obedient son only if you promise me to act like a father figure for her."
I was wounded to see her situation. She had lost her father in a car accident. She always called me Deus Ex Machina, someone who would change the unchangeable situation for her. But this one situation I could never change so I reached out to Thorat sir to form an agreement, which he honoured and everything seemed to go good. Hrishi and Juno had become good friends too. He always treated her like his little sister and was so protective of her. Everyone loved Juno, my parents loved her and Pam started to take me for her son that she never had. Everything was perfect and I was happy like I was never before.
Then came the July of 2019, the day when my final year's results would be released. I called Juno constantly all day but she didn't pick up. I was confused as to why she would be behaving this way. I was so unaware of the changes that took place behind my back.
She cheated on me and jilted me on the very day when my final year's result was released. The moment we both waited to see for years was spoiled. For months she behaved distant to me and didn't tell me the reason but then she did and it broke me so bad that I could not even believe she could do this to me.
Everyone was shocked and were in disbelief. Manish even got drunk that evening and came to me asking, "How could she cheat on you? You both loved each other a lot. Is there really no true love in this world?" I had no answer to his such difficult question, only my eyes were filled with tears of pain and suffering.
When I went to Mumbai to see her she still rejected me. I had said to Hrishi while my heart was breaking, "I was going to marry this girl, Hrishi. And I can't believe she did this to me. Now I would never be able to believe in love again."
Why would she hurt me when she was supposed to be the one to cure me of all the pain given by the world? I kept asking this question for months. Even her mother, Pam, didn't like her such actions and asked to reconsider but it was too late. Months went by with efforts to pull her back into my life. She was the one who cheated and yet it was me who was giving justification before everyone in the family that I was building for her. She accused me of many hurtful things only so that she could succeed in cutting off Pam's ties with me.
In March 2020 she even forced Pam to cut off her ties with me and fought with me right before one week to my MBA entrance exam. I spent a year, throughout my breakup, preparing for that exam and when the crucial time came she said, "I don't give a fuck about your exam. That's not my problem."
When Hrishi heard those words even he had lost his shit and Abhijeet was the most furious, while I was quiet, still in disbelief that she could say such things to me. Time puts the seal on your mouth. She had become someone else and I was still the same.
I could not express my anguish to anyone so I wrote my emotions with the help of characters. People read it and loved it. But very few knew the reality that it was my act of expressing my condition to Pam and what I was going through. This act of expressing her my true condition had given birth to the story of David, which later on became my first novel. That too because the second guardian angel had come to my life when the first was taken from me: Shikha Ma'am.
It was Covid-19 time in July 2020 and the whole lockdown thing had brought new norms. Even the college was getting online. "Give me two years of my master's and after that you won't have to tolerate me Thorat sir." These were my words when I got admission to ISBS for my master's.
I was having a great time with my new college and slowly making friends. Aastha was someone who meant a lot to me. Hrishi was happy and hopeful that new people would help me forget my past and perhaps finally a better future was coming for his childhood friend.
But he was so wrong. The winter had finally come for the Thorat family and it started with the Covid-19 infection to Thorat sir, me and Abhijeet. Mom was spared. on 14th September, Thorat sir succumbed to Covid-19 and we lost him. Hrishi lied to me all night, keeping me in the belief that he was still alive only for me to find in the morning that Thorat sir was gone. My worst fear had finally come true.
As I got the news I called my mom who was in the Kitchen preparing breakfast for her husband who was dead already. I begged her to be strong and that she still has her two sons and then I walked out and called Abhijeet he was standing at the staircase with no emotions on his face.
"We've lost him, Abhya." I said in a shattered weak voice.
He simply nodded. I was surprised to see his reaction. He already knew? I was going at him to hug him but he stopped me and asked me to stay away from him as he had gone to Covid-19 hospital and feared that he was infected with it. Even in such circumstances we were not allowed to comfort each other and bore our suffering in distance. Hrishi could not even hold the courage to look at my face.
"Tell her what happened." I requested him.
"It won't matter...she doesn't..."
"I'm talking about Pam, Hrishi. She does care."
Everyone in my family begged me to cry to the demise of my father but I shed not a single tear. But when Pam came before my eyes, I cried like a little child. These circumstances had made her break her words to her own daughter. And she was there for me.
I had called Juno after the funeral and all I got from her was, "Now you would know how it feels to lose a father." Sometimes these words still echo in my ears and haunt me. Despite my hateful relationship with Thorat sir he still honoured the agreement we both had. He acted as a father figure for her and that very girl said this thing about him. I had begged her in past to return and I would accept her even if she had cheated me and I remained hopeful for a long time in my life but when I heard these words, I knew for sure now that I didn't want her ever in my life.
A few days later my health deteriorated and it got serious which worried everyone, worst it was Abhijeet who had to see me in such circumstances. But then Pam came to treat me, despite me having covid-19 without fear for her own safety. "You are my son, and for you, I would." was her answer.
Months later, when Shika Ma'am pushed me to publish my story. I had no money and we got to know that there was tons of debt amount on us and I felt horrible for not being able to do anything. Abhijeet was the only sole breadwinner at our home and I was under tremendous pressure to get a job as soon as possible but there was still a year for the placement season to begin. Hrishi had asked me to give him some time to collect money for publishing my book. And that incident in college where a professor had rebuked me for following my passion for writing in such circumstances had burdened me with guilt. But then in such times, it was Shikha Ma'am who stood by me and supported me. With her help, I published my first book and dedicated that book to Pam. Everyone celebrated my success and yet I felt so empty.
"For twenty years I was a disappointment for Thorat Sir and when I finally achieved my dream, he was not here to see it. I just wish that he could see it only once that he worked as a librarian for all his life and his son made it as an English author. In the very language that failed him in past." I said this to Hrishi. Despite my hateful relationship with him deep inside I wanted to hear from him that he was proud of me. I always saw him praising Abhijeet, which made me envy Abhijeet for some time in my life, as he was the pride of the family and I was the shame. But now...when my book was launched on the birthday of Shikha Ma'am, he had put the story calling me Pride of the Family.
Soon after that fame and envy came to my account in college. Plenty of people showered their love and affection and many of them hated me too. Some fake information was spread too but as per the command of Shikha Ma'am, I chose to focus on writing my second book. A promise that I had once made to my highschool crush.
The placement season came and new failures came to my plate. I never hated Thorat sir the way I hated him this time. Lots of fucked up things had come to light and it built tremendous pressure on us and also due to his treatment towards me and me losing academic years had become the reason why I was failing to get a job.
Criteria.
For nearly two months I could not even apply for a single job due to a criteria issue. And one which I could, I failed the entrance exam. In ISBS I had got myself a new friend too who would always be there for me, as I had got Manish in my graduation, it was Soumya who stood by me in Masters.
"Bhai, thik to hai?" he texted me after knowing that I failed in the only chance I had gotten for the job. Due to a criteria issue, I could not even apply to most of the companies, there was too much education gap in my record. I had an intense need for a job at my hand as there was tons of debt on our head and I did not even have a chance to get a job. Soumya knew this situation better than anyone in college. He empathized with me.
"Still calm and confident." I replied to him even when deep inside I was scared to hell.
Then the second chance I got was for Morningstar. I worked my ass off for this job, around 80 people were in the race for this company but only 4 were selected. I could not even believe that I was among those 4. The first person I ran to to tell this news was Hrishi. He was so happy and then I went to my mom to tell her that I got a job and now I can finally take care of her.
For some time things went good in my job but in the last 6 months, things went rough and in June 2023 I had to quit my job. That damn office politics. I could never sell out to my teammates even if I could not get along well with them. Things were not completely changed at home and yet I had to leave this job. Actually, I was forced to do so.
I stood again and studied for the new field of job and worked for it but on December 28 I failed that exam. Technically my laptop didn't work and I got panicked and disturbed. After two hours of effort and convincing the proctors I got another laptop and took the exam on that, till that time I knew I was going to fail this exam and I did.
Sakshi Sayre, one of my college friends was there trying to uplift my dejected mood after failure of the exam. The next day I picked up my laptop and asked her help to build my CV, which she felt was quite harsh for me. I was going so hard on myself, was what she had said and criticised. I could not thank her more for her help when management tried to trouble me in the last two months of my work. Her advice helped to protect me from the traps of my manager and team leader.
I was staying at Manish's flat and all he said to me was, "After all these years, you are still fighting your cursed fate, aren't you? It can't be even a little kinder to you."
Abhijeet was in Pune at that time and had come to see me knowing what I would be going through. Yet, despite losing all this money when there is a shortage of money at home, he says to me that it's alright. I don't have to worry or feel guilty about it.
I could not understand how to process that kind of reaction. I am not used to it, no rebuke? No abuse? That hurt me. His kindness hurt me and the guilt burst out of me. I broke down and kept weeping before Sakshi (Sayre) when I was preparing my CV that I failed him. I failed my brother who supported me when I left my job and not even a single time did he ask me when I would get a job or complain about my unemployment and the worst he supported me even when I had failed.
For nearly 8 months I am unemployed and I failed the exam that I spent months preparing for, after that, I tried to get a job but got only rejected which as a result built fear within me and also the notion of me being a burden to my loved ones.
I feel so heavy guilt and fear of becoming a burden to my brother. I was supposed to help him, I was supposed to take care of him but he has to do that and after all this time I still feel that I am not capable to shoulder these responsibilities. And perhaps I shall never be.
The dejection of failure is getting over me again.
All my life I lived with the guilt of being a burden to my father. Now I am beginning to feel like a burden to my brother.
Perhaps I am just a failure and I'll always be a failure. Whenever I blame Thorat sir people often take his side and push it back on me. His position as Father always triumphs over me, even if he has indeed done some damage, for which I am still paying the price. Me hating him also does not help, the world still says me things. I guess only Kafka would understand how I feel, that's why I feel so related to him in his writings. His letters to his father were so relatable for me, I don't suppose anyone would really understand my Instagram Story if I put it about his letters to his father.
Just like him when I tried so hard to do something for my loved ones, I only failed. And it hurts when I see on social media how other people are progressing in life while I... aah... I am still incapable of changing things for my family.
I won't deny the suicidal thoughts I have and I am not scared to die it's just I am scared of the thought of Abhijeet. I have seen what he has gone through when we lost Thorat sir, and I don't wish to put him again in such circumstances.
If I truly love him I better endure my own shit and dare to live, even when I don't want to.
My personal life is totally fucked up now. I can't even shoulder the responsibilities that I already have and adding more to the plate won't do any good to me.
That dream of life with Juno and the daughter still haunts me and I get the reflection of that dream when I see this anime called Spy x Family. Sometimes I see her reflection in Anya, how she could be childish and cute at the same time and also strong as Yor.
It's not that I am still stuck on Juno. I made some attempts to find myself love but all failed. No success in college, then that Chubby Cheeks thing also did not work out, of course, my circumstances are not strong. Even in the office, there was no scope for me, as I strongly followed my own rule of no office romance but there was someone I kinda liked, whom I had seen in the last few weeks of my job. I describe her as a chasmish girl who often wears white. I have to strangle my own desires and emotions because I know I won't get it in real. And feeling such desires are worst source of pain and suffering.
This personal suffering also makes me feel so lonely. I also crave love and affection, and I also feel embarrassed for feeling such a need. Also, some of my friends made me feel horrible about depending on the help of my brother and not being able to do things on my own. That hurt a lot, I didn't expect that kind of treatment from a friend but yeah, I heard that kind of thing too which is not so helpful in such circumstances.
I really don't know what will happen to me. When would I even be able to take care of my family and provide them things that they need? Unburden them from the financial debt... aaah... for fuck's sake... let me have a good time so that I can change circumstances for my brother and mother. After that you can go curse me as usual my dear life, I am used to it but this is so fucking unbearable to not be able to take care of loved ones. To not be able to provide them things.
Whenever I get out of home I walk with my head down. It's a shame I feel for not being able to do anything for my family and I'm just a failure. Books didn't sell so well... rather in loss actually... no success in the job... no success in love either. And the worst thing is I am kinda falling separate from my friends too. Their lives are changing and they are getting into different phases of life. Soon, all of them would be married and their priorities would change. They won't be able to be there for me as they used to... so I am trying to learn to be all by myself. Kinda practising myself, you know what I mean. Gosh, Jayesh and Sakshi (Sarda) would hate me for this but no matter how much I love these two friends of mine, Imma ghost them both once they get married. I mean I had said this thing in jest to Sakshi, I often say lots of truth in jest to my people which they would often ignore as a joke. Talking with Jayesh had helped a lot. I felt that my suffering was not wrong and he did not judge. He is a good friend, a brother. And I am a bit scared of Sakshi, I'm scared to do some stupid thing that would make me lose respect in her eyes. Not that I overestimate my respect in her eyes but whatever little respect I might have. I kinda hate her for not letting me be peacefully depressed about my failure. Her attempts to motivate me to stand up again were... I don't know... I don't how to describe them. It's just every time I whine before her that I want to give up, she asks me to try again. God, I hate her.
Plus, There's also Apoo. I also hope I will be able to look after her, I hope I won't fail there too.
Anyway, I am still not gonna tell it to anyone, I fear they would still compare my sufferings with someone else and try to make me feel how inferior my own sufferings are.
So it's better to just talk to you and write down what is really eating me inside and keep working.
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