I heard that line in a very famous American Crime-Drama series named "Person of Interest." This line was primarily used by a character named 'John Reese' to the main character of the series named 'Harold Finch'. Harold is known to be a very private person and does not have any attachments with anyone. His relationship with Mr Reese was highly professional for him and everything else was always calculated. Seeing Harold perturbed by something, Mr Reese tells him that everybody needs somebody to talk to.
There it hit me so hard when I was watching that scene. Why? Because I felt that need too and I lacked that kind of person in my life.
I often had difficulties in making new friends growing up; with the help of my hard-earned friend I could increase the number of friend list. I had lots of fun with them. I enjoyed a lot and even had food at restaurants with them. Life felt so good but despite that, I was unhappy inside. There were issues which were causing troubles in my life and I was getting disturbed because of that a lot. After years the depression finally came to me.
You know why I told you that I had all this great time with my friends but still talking about depression, because that's the thing about depression. We all look alive and yet we are constantly dying inside.
It looked so great to post photos with them on social sites but as much as the friendship cast the impression of strong bonding on social sites, it was so fragile in real. I had to think hundreds of times before talking to them about anything. I could not frankly and freely talk about issues and sometimes I tried and they made jokes about it or took it too lightly.
"You worry too much." that's what I always got to hear from people when I tried to speak them about something that was bothering me. And that response was so frustrating and also embarrassing. It only made me feel that I am weak and can't handle stress like everyone is doing just so fine.
I lacked the people with whom I could just talk what was wrong with me and also faced trouble of incapability of making new friends at the same time.
Being stuck with negative or careless people is a worse situation a person could be. Sometimes we get treated unfairly in this world. We try to do something good with good intentions in our heart but they are not recognized by others as we expect them to do. More often we experience that we are highly misunderstood by the people around us and all it seems that they just take the negative perspective of what you do. It is so frustrating and it drives us all really mad. Later on, after enough consistent experiences like these, you start to give up and change yourself, tough inconsiderate person. If anyone questions that then we all have that mugged response in our tongue that it's better to be tough towards people than being exploited or opinionated by them.
What is depression really is? It's a complex disorder in our emotions, often companied by saddening thoughts of ourselves and of the world around us.
In depression, we are constantly thinking negatively about ourselves and of the world in a very overdramatic way. Which sounds overestimating and inconsiderate to our friends but fair to us.
We all are depressed for various reasons but there are some common traits into depressed people. It's often shown on the internet or on media that the depression is caused by a failure in academics or in the profession. Depression is not merely limited to failures in academics or in the profession but failures of other kinds too; such as: failing to cope up with the rapidly changing world where nothing is permanent anymore.
But what I truly believe is that we all are depressed because deep down we all feel the incapability to connect with someone.
All this technology, all these facilities in today's technological world which claim to bring people together and yet we are looking for somebody? Technology had served us a lot and also in the best possible way but it had also taken many important things from our lives. Endurance is the first thing.
We are growing impatient and we all want everything to happen so fast, just like our fast gadgets or high-speed internet. A slow internet is so frustrating because it makes us feel left behind in some race that we are trapped into. We want to know what's happening before everyone else so that we wouldn't feel ourselves outdated. Lucky are those who do not think this way.
We must post our pictures on social media showing our achievements and then we crave for maximum likes to our picture or any post. The greater the number of likes, the greater our chances to be liked by people. The strange thing is that we are determining our value by the likes we get on our picture.
Why we won't be depressed then? When we are constantly comparing our lives with someone else's then we are causing the depression by our own hands. Why are we all falling for this invisible trap? Because deep down we all want to be liked and accepted by the people.
No matter how famous celebrity you are in the world, after a period people will throw you into oblivion. They naturally get busy with their own lives. Why do we crave for the things that won't even last? Maybe because it gives temporary comfort of our constant wound that deep down we are all alone and nobody's coming to save you.
I kept looking for friends who could empathize with me and would not make me feel misfit like the rest of the people. I must admit that I encountered many disappointing failures in the process of acquiring one person whom I could talk to. I experienced that when I was having a weak moment and I tried to speak about the suffering inside my heart, to my utter surprise the reaction that I got was, "This is nothing. There are worst problems too than this. Stop overthinking."
I would get wordless because my thinking capacity would be paralyzed with their such insensitive comment. I experienced the exertion of getting to number one in every aspect of life to be accepted and appreciated. What I did not know is that in order to gain people's actual interest as well as their sympathy, my pain had to be of some standard where it would be entertained by them.
What I learnt from that experience is that when I find someone who is depressed, I must take care of the thing that I don't even accidentally judge his/her capacity to feel the suffering and his/her suffering. Everyone is different and everyone wants something different, it's just not fair to judge which pain is more considered and which not.
But then how do we go on with our miserable life into the people filled with insensitive behaviour?
Well, we all know this famous advice from a Game of Thornes character named Tyrion Lannister, "Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like an armour so that it can never be used to hurt you." Undoubtedly this advice has influenced millions of lives in the world, mine is one of them. I grew up ashamed of almost everything in my life. My failures, my incapabilities, my situation in life even the problematic financial situation at my home. I was so embarrassed in my childhood that I would not celebrate my own birthday because I don't have as good clothes as my other friends do or I don't have a video game, like my friends. And the time I had received a video game they had shifted to PC games or Play Station. So even that little achievement felt like a complete failure. Funny how pain never stops but it keeps changing its forms.
Today I notice in teenagers that it's about a different gadget, a mobile phone. You'd see that there is almost everyone who measures their own standard of living by how expensive their phone is. There is a category of people too in our society that they show off their expensive possessions, especially their mobile phones of particular brands, just to patronize others as well as to feel better than rest of the people.
Because that is what gives them the feeling of being better than others. If you think that owning expensive things, not just phone but any other things is going to make you happy then the answer is no. Just because you own a latest phone doesn't mean you are gonna get ten extra calls, the number of people calling you would still remain the same when you used your old phone. I got a new phone for myself a few days back when the old one was out of the function after use of four years and yet only the same two numbers called me. My comfort was increased by the new phone but not my happiness.
Heartbreaks are often highlighted by teenagers these days to show their depression. Which is quite amusing for adults like me and somewhere even I judge them for having such mental condition by their own hands. To them I just want to say something directly: Bro, you fought with your parents for mobile phone, for a new bike, new clothes and shoes, for anything that will make you noticeable in the eyes of the girl you want to impress and also for fitting into the expectations of your peers.
Now just think for a moment that you had to have all these things to get that girl in your life and then she leaves you after some period and you are wounded that she did not value your worth. Excuse me bro but what the fuck man? When you had to use expensive possessions to attract her attention then how could you complain about she didn't value your worth? Did you ever use your own worth in the first place to attract her attention? No, then don't be surprised if there was someone else who owned many expensive things than you. Learn the difference between the people who value you for your possession and those who value you for your own intrinsic qualities.
In our India people are so focused on their skin colour. They think that fair skin colour is equal to beauty. As if girls with dark shade doesn't look beautiful. But when society had largely accepted this idea that fair skin is beauty then it's only natural that girls with dark complexion would feel unwanted. We all can see that when it's about marriage, no matter how stupid the boy looks or how dark complexion he has, him and his families would without consideration expect a girl to be of fair complexion. Girls with dark complexion do get trouble to get married and that's really excruciating reason that ultimately brings depression in their lives.
I, myself, once considered that fair skin means I'd look handsome. That thinking, I would describe, as the unfortunate consequence of misleading advertisement of skincare products. Even I used cream and applied it to my face in the hope that I'd be fair after the use of a few weeks. And then my crush would be attracted to my fair skin face. Well, I still laugh on older version for that. But you know what's the best thing I also learnt, when I was willing to accept my crush even without knowing anything about her, including her faults.... why can't she accept me with my own natural skin colour?
I threw away that half-used fairness cream tube. I accepted myself with my natural skin colour and it made me feel so relaxed. Now at this age I don't even think about the skin colour. It simply doesn't even matter and not even problematic enough to depress me. I am comfortable with my own skin colour. In fact, I'm proud of it. And you know what that high school crush of mine, she did find me handsome in my own natural colour.
Always remember what Epictetus said, 'It is not the event that actually hurts us, it's our interpretation of them on us.'
Another prime reason for Depression in our lives is that feeling of left behind than the rest of the world. I experienced that very brutally in my life. I constantly failed into my academics because of my chronic issues related to it, one of it was exam phobia. I failed in my 10th standard that too in Marathi subject because I had a fight with my father just an hour before my exam and I took out that frustration my exam. A whimsical mistake brought heavy regret in coming months. I had fallen behind from the people with whom I had spent 10+ years in academics.
Later on I failed twice in my 12th standard and even on the third attempt I only passed in two subjects, remaining I cleared in October attempt. Knowing that my career is fucked up I had lost hope for the better future. I felt much depressed due to it and I became complete hopeless in my life. I'd watch my batchmates wearing that black cloak on the convocation days of their college and their pictures with their proud parents would make me feel so bad about myself. I could never make my parents proud. I was too embarrassed of myself that I went to the seclusion for two years.
I got failed in academics and for that, I've got trolled hundreds of times in my life. It's a worse feeling that you actually have potentials in you but you are failing to use them for progress. Now when I read in books then I understand the economic and psychological reasons behind it. But then I watched that episode where Tyrion gives that advance and it started to change me.
Once an incidence occurred with me. I was with my friend at his home and his mother asked me a question that what you are doing these days? I answered casually that I failed in my graduation year so it's a year drop for me. And she seemed stunned with that answer. She said, 'And you are telling it like it's not a big deal?' I replied yes. Seeing at my indifference she said, 'You should have shame for it.' and I laughed and said, 'Why should I?' she seemed perplexed. 'I am not trying to hide the weak side of my life and even if I tried people will find it anyway, so why should I keep shame for my failures? They are going to use it anyway to make me feel bad about it. It's better to be shameless about it and not allow them to bring me down.'
By that answer she seemed so impressed, 'Clever boy.' that's what she said and went to the kitchen taking our empty cups of tea. Remember one thing: 'Shame is a tool other people want you to keep with yourself so that they can hurt you with their convenience.' But it also does not mean that one should go and start behaving rudely with others. One must take things as they are being said and with the intentions they are said.
Just know one thing that the internet has given access even to assholes out there who can inflict their bitter opinions upon people whom they don't like. I have re-formulated that reading habit in me. So mostly I put about books and quotes on my Instagram or What's app stories. That certainly shows others my love for books and some text me that you must be knowledgeable by now, you read a lot, after all. Me? The knowledgable one? All this time I was thinking myself a curious fool.
But then you do encounter some people who deliberately want to cast you down. Some will even patronize you for your lack of knowledge. So basically lack of money is not the only problem. You know what some people just want to make you feel bad about yourself, no matter what you do. They are doing that to you because they are scared of the potentials you have inside you to be a really good person. They judge you bitterly because in their subconscious minds that's what they truly think of themselves. It's not your fault, it's theirs.
Opinions of others does hurt us, doesn't it? But why should we even let it affect us when it's not even permanent. People's opinions change with the time. One shouldn't be happy with the good opinions of people about them because that too is temporary.
We all have turned our lives really miserable in recent years, haven't we? I mean we are secretly competing with people around us. Because now our sense of satisfaction is based upon the idea of having things better than those around us. We scale our happiness by comparing our possessions with others if our possessions are better than other only then we feel content with them. How sad that is.
And in that comparison, one most important thing is also crushed and that is our own dream.
Always remember that the definition of success is not what other people define it to you, it is what you define for yourself. You are different my friend and your success will be different too from the other people. And you know what, it's okay that they do not understand your definition of success. They really don't have to. What is most important that you are happy with your success, don't just compare it with someone else's definition of success. Your dream is far too bigger for their definition of success, my dear friend. Just don't insult your dream by fitting it into their definition of success.
It's often said that one must talk with people about their sufferings but what we are forgetting is that it's our own insensitive behaviour that has caused such hesitation to them from expressing their pain.
We must not say that 'Talk out your problem with someone.' Instead, we ought to focus on the point that the next person will feel comfortable to speak out to us, knowing that you would not make fun of it.
As years passed I finally managed to get a couple of friends who truly care about me and do not let me feel embarrassed about myself. They give their attention and their time to listen to me. I share with them all the good and bad things happening with me. Sometimes I'd be depressed and I'd call them and bore with my stupid anxieties. And they would just calmly listen to it so that I can just take it all out without hesitation.
Sometimes it does happen that I'm feeling anxious and I call them but they are occupied with their other important things. Then it hurts primarily but then I tell myself that they are stuck too into the schedule and it would not be possible for them to be available for me at any given time. Then I chose to deal with it by myself and barely gets successful. By the end of the day, I'd have forgotten about it but then at night when I get a call from my friends after they are free from their job or college.
Their such care for me heals that wound by their mere act of calling me back.
These are dark times and there's no denying to that. We all are going through something. And the truth is that we have become emotionally vulnerable generation. For that, we must learn the simple act of empathy. As well as we must learn how to become emotionally strong because it wouldn't be possible that there's always going to be someone else on the other end of the phone call. Sometimes it's just you. You live temporarily with people, the only people you live permanently is yourself. Better make it a good company to be with, don't you think?
Depression is much complex topic than what I can possibly try to explain. I, myself, am a learner of it. Sooner I'd be reading a famous work by Sigmund Freud, 'Interpretation of Dreams.' Hopefully my knowledge would be developed with time.
What my personal solution to depressing thought is that it is to change with other thoughts and for that I use mediums like Books, Movies and Music.
Here are some books I'd love to suggest you all to read. That would help on many levels of your lives.
1. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. - Dale Carnegie (Title tells what this book is about.)
2. The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway (This book will teach how to not give up.)
3. You Can Win - Shiv Khera. (Highly works upon developing your mindset.)
4. Life's Amazing Secret - Gaur Gopal Das (It teaches about ordeals of our lives and how to handle them.)
5. Veronica Decides to Die - Paulo Coelho (It's about a girl attempting suicide and her experience at a mental institution. Good Positive book that teaches a lot and gives us hope.)
6. Meditation - Marcus Aurelius (1700 years old wisdom on stoic philosophy.)
7. Letters from Stoic - Seneca (2000 years old letters containing lessons of Stoic Philosophy.)
Movies that will help you if you are feeling Depressed:
1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) - (This is world's best movie to watch for many things. It will teach you to persevere and maintain the hope even in the darkest periods of your life.)
2. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) - (Feeling depressed because of financial and familial issues? Just go watch it. You'd be happy after watching this one.)
3. Fight Club (1999) - (My god this movie is one of it's kind. Trust Me. Are you feeling agitated with your own life and felt trapped into mundane schedule of life? This movie will teach you many things that you've been taking seriously which really need not to take into consideration at all.)
4. Silver Linings Playbook (2012) - (Suffering from mood swings and difficulty to cope with things because you believe that life wouldn't be better? Well you can be happy, you can see at silver linings. Just go for this one.)
5. Amelie (2001) - (This weirdo Amelie is gonna cheer your mood and you'd learn how to be happy with little pleasures of life. This french movie is truly unique in its own way.)
6. Good Will Hunting (1997) - (Some people can't believe in them until someone believes in them. If you are looking for someone to believe in you then just go for this movie and even if you are not, still go for it anyway. We blame ourselves for all the wrong things happened to people around us, just know that "It's not your fault.")
7. It's A Wonderful Life (1946) - (Life is hard and it gets unfair. You will feel helpless moments and also hopeless with difficult times but despite that what this movie teaches us is that life is truly wonderful.)
Music:
1. Ramin Djawadi
2. Matia Cupelli
3. Hans Zimmer
4. Bach
5. Vivaldi
6. Mozart
7. Audiomachine
8. Two Steps from Hell
Just search these names on YouTube and I guarantee you that you'd not be disappointed.
Depression is derived from our emotional interpretation of the things. Let's make a habit of judging the events of our lives with facts and see them as they are. Because the wise Seneca once said, "We Suffer More Often in Imagination than in Reality."
And suicide is not a solution. I understand that life could be such a bitch sometimes. "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." that too was said by wise Seneca. What we all need to do in such times is to talk with one another.
Let's just talk and most importantly, let's just learn to listen first.
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